Monday, May 4, 2009

Under Water

I feel so very overwhelmed. I'm trying to fight it and just be happy, but it's hard. I hope you'll forgive me this one desperate post because I so rarely talk like this or feel like this.
There is work. There is so much with work that I can't even mention, so I'll just say that work has been hard in so many ways. The only part of it that I can mention is my growing frustration with expending so much energy on other people's children that I have no energy for mine when I come home. I hate it, and I feel so guilty, not to mention like a mom failure because I'd much rather collapse on the couch at night than play or clean or even sometimes discipline. I used to think I had that balance between working and being a mom, but I think I've lost it. I fear how much more I'll lose it with two children. No matter how hard I try, there's always that ache inside of me because I just do not want to work, yet have no choice.

Yesterday I had this whole list of items to accomplish while Luke napped. Perfect plan, yet Luke refused to nap. I spent an hour rocking, patting, snuggling, and reading, almost getting him to sleep... when the doorbell rang. And it was shot. His nap time, the hour I spent, the list that would keep my head above water. Luke is not a child that can miss a nap, then be fine. Luke is the child that misses his nap and spends the rest of the day having a complete and utter meltdown. There were a lot of tears yesterday. From both of us.

This week is teacher appreciation week. Wednesday is my birthday (and, of course, there's a faculty meeting scheduled). You'd think the culmination of the two would mean a lot of appreciation for me, but it works out that as student council sponsor I am entirely in charge of teacher appreciation week. Or rather, my students are supposed to be, but they're in middle school. I can't exactly send them out in their cars to go buy supplies, can I? So I spent yesterday labeling 75 candy bars that I then distributed this morning (after I basically ruined them by leaving them in the car for five hours). Today, I'm picking up 75 carnations at the florist to distribute tomorrow. Wednesday and Thursday, I don't even remember, but we're doing something. Friday, I have to pick up several dozen donuts plus coffee to get set up in the teacher's lounge. Last year when I did similar activities, I got a total of ONE thank you. I appreciated teachers, but they definitely didn't appreciate me.

I want to breathe and push it all away, but instead, I just think of everything I need to get done before the baby comes. Luke's bed isn't set up yet. The bathroom needs to be painted. The baby items need to be taken out of the crawl space. Initially, we thought we'd have the entire month of June, but I'm now in school until June 11th. Did I mention that I then have a week of license renewal courses starting on June 15th? Then another week starting on July 6th? Oh, and the baby is due July 16th.

I know it will all get done in time. It always does. But knowing that doesn't help that my house is a mess, that the list just gets longer and longer, that I want nothing more than to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and say, "Wake me up in two months."

15 comments:

Megan said...

If you ever need help, say painting or organizing or cleaning or watching Luke while you sleep, I'm so here to help! Seriously!

Cassie said...

I'm so sorry! You definitely need a break!

Crooked Eyebrow said...

Well happy teachers week, it's nurses week too!

I have felt that same way so many times but you just have to keep going and know that you are the best wife, mother, teacher that you can possibly be. Everyone has low days...just ask for help!

ps I like to paint. Painting party?
damn, we can't have wine as we paint yet either...

Love ya and have a super duper teacher/birthday week ever.

Abra said...

I totally feel for you. I am a teacher too (kindergarten). And right now I am in the decision of "do I go back to work or not" but I read your post, and I want to do everything in my power not to. BUT I think I am also like you, where I may not have a choice-finances suck. :)

Just take it one day at a time! I hope you have a lovely birthday!

Stacey said...

Yes, you will get through this. Remember - you are pregnant too, which eats away at your energy and drive to be productive. Just remember why you are doing the things you are doing. That may help you to find motivation. And as the others here have said, ask for help. People are usually willing to help, they just need to be asked. (which is easier said than done!) Hang in there! And try to enjoy your birthday!!

kristi said...

I hope things get better for you. I feel like that too and I make mistakes. I need to blog about my latest one!

jessica said...

thanks for the comment on the giveaway! i wanted to wish you luck. good luck :)

InTheFastLane said...

no need to ask for forgiveness...you have put up with my whining :)

One of our teachers was busy stuffing our mailboxes this morning, and your post reminded me to make sure that I thank her.

I so often wish I wasn't working, but I don't have much of an excuse any more since my kids are getting so old. It is still hard to do the work thing all day and then summon the energy to do the parent thing until they are all in their rooms for the night.

Darcie - Such The Spot said...

Oh my goodness girl. Now is one of those times I'd have you over for cocktails if you were closer. Okay, cocktails for me, mocktails for you.

And once I'd been properly liquored up we'd go and position thumbtacks on all of those mean unthankful teachers' chairs. That'd teach 'em. :)

Hillary said...

I think so many people underestimate the responsibilities of the teacher-I think it is really hard to find that balance between LIFE and school. And I haven't even really started teaching yet. Good news is, school year is almost over. Then you can snuggle your sweet Luke and the new little one. Hang in there.

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

Oh you poor thing! I hear you loud and clear. It's funny that you write this because a couple other teacher friends and I were talking about the same thing. How we felt as if we were drowning under everything. Unfortunately so many people don't even realize that it is National Teacher's week even if we do spend more time with others kids than their own parents spend with them. I can't believe that you do all of that stuff by yourself. Do the kids help you in anyway?? I'm so sorry that the teachers at your school do not appreciate all your efforts. Hang in there. Summer will be here soon and I know for you that just means more things to do, but just think about that beautiful little angel that will be making their arrival. It will be worth it!!! Sending hugs!!

Mimi's Toes said...

Let me first start by saying "Happy Teacher Appreciation to YOU! If I didn't have my hands already full of grandkids and work, I would love to help you out. I am a great baby/child rocker and can even hold 2 at one time. I hope this week goes smooth for you and you get some much needed rest. Take the battery out of the doorbell.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

OH ERIN! You deserve a thousand thank yous and more appreciation than you know. I can't wait for us to celebrate Thursday night... please say you can still come!

Steph

Minivan Mom said...

"The only part of it that I can mention is my growing frustration with expending so much energy on other people's children that I have no energy for mine when I come home"

Girl, you know I hear you. Last night when I finally got home with the 3 kids at 8:30pm after starting my day at 5:30am, I threw some leftovers on the table for them, told them to take quick showers, and sat on the couch with a stack of papers instead of reading them bedtime stories.

I suck.

Stillmary said...

You are wonderful. Your children love you and don't see any shortcomings in you and never will. Nothing is more important than that. Everything will get done and this week you're overwhelmed mainly because you're the student council sponsor. (Next year try hard to say no.) Sending prayers for peace of mind for you, hugs, and wishes for a very Happy Birthday tomorrow. You SO deserve it!