half marathon training [week 5]

This week was not the best, through no fault of my own. Thursday's monthly migraine knocked me down. There was no way I could run on Thursday and while I wanted to try and get my miles in Friday, I was still dehydrated and pretty lousy from Thursday so I thought it best to rest.

Monday was an easy three miles. Every time I have an easy three miles, the wind decides to scream. It was ridiculously windy, which has to be the worst weather condition. Despite the wind, I still managed an average 9:48 pace. I'll take it!
Tuesday was four miles. I did the first two miles in under twenty minutes and felt good, then my hip freaked out and I had to do run/walk intervals to keep it from spasming. I still finished with a 10:09 pace, but I know I could've done better if my hip hadn't lost it. I am pretty sure I need to head to Fleet Feet soon and get some new shoes, as I've had these for over six months and put around four hundred miles on them. Thankfully I have two gift cards, so I can budget new shoes!
Wednesday was strength training. I made it through another week of the Tough Mudder workout without dying. I might see little baby muscles popping out on my arms, but I'm not sure they're doing anything as of yet.

Saturday was my last step back week before the long runs start increasing. I'm glad it was a shorter run, because I was still sore and achy from Thursday. I felt like my legs were filled with lead, but I just kept pushing forward and finished five miles with a 10:40 pace. Not the best, but I finished it despite feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel halfway through. I always try and do my Saturday runs early. Not because I like to pop right out of bed on Saturday, but because it's SO NICE to come back home, shower, put on comfy clothes and have a whole weekend of nothing stretching ahead of me. It's such a great feeling.

As I know a lot of people are scheduling spring races and other spring things, I wanted to throw out there that I'm definitely planning on doing one of the Chicago epilepsy 5ks (this is why I started running last April... I saw these advertised and knew I HAD to do it next year, for Tommy). I would LOVE for anyone in the area to join me and run or walk for Tommy. You don't have to run, but if you want to try and run it, you have time to train for a 5k between now and May. Maybe this could be the goal you're looking for to get started. Right now I'm leaning toward the one in Wheaton, because it's a) $10 cheaper and b) looks like it's in a really pretty place. If you think you'd like to do this, you don't have to commit to fundraising or anything. If you want to fundraise, that'd always be great, but I'd just really love to have a few faces out there for Tommy and other people/families living with epilepsy. If you think you're interested, let me know which event would work best for you and leave your email address so I can contact you later on. I hope some people can join me!

lowercase day

today i feel like speaking in lowercase. whispers. it's very foggy outside right now. i can't even see the street, which isn't very far away. fog always makes the world seem so quiet, which is good.

yesterday i had a migraine that came slamming out of nowhere. i should've known because i woke up craving a fountain coke. sometimes these help chase my migraines away. other times, nothing will do. the pre-migraine symptoms hit me all at once. one minute, i felt okay. the next, my nose was running, my eyes were watering, i was nauseous, and worst, i was so extremely fatigued. the fatigue is bad when i'm at work. all i want to do is toss up the white flag and crawl under my desk, but i can't. usually i can hold it off and make it through the day, but yesterday, i stepped in the hall and someone had sprayed perfume or cologne everywhere. forget making it through the day, i barely made it to the bathroom before losing the contents of my stomach. i was home by 12:30 and immediately crawled into bed, where i stayed until 11:30 that night. most of the time, i was in too much pain to sleep. i just tossed and turned and prayed for a reprieve for the pain. migraines are really bad. i have an appointment with a neurologist because i can't handle them anymore, but he can't see me until june. i keep telling myself that june is not that far away, but in terms of migraines and pain, it kind of is.

luke is so sweet when i don't feel well. he brought me a bowl of chicken and noodles (the smell of which caused me to throw up, but we won't tell him that) and after his bath last night, he crawled into bed next to me. he rubbed my head. the pain of being touched when i have a migraine is rough. the physical sensation is overwhelming, but i couldn't tell him. so i let him rub my head, gritting my teeth until he drifted off to sleep next to me. he is very empathetic. shane cleaned the house while i was down and out. tommy said, "your head hurt, mama?" and gave me a kiss. he's started kissing us when we're hurt. unfortunately, tommy is usually the one hurting us, so him giving a kiss after pinching or hitting is sweet, but not as sweet as it could be.

today i'm so tired. i'm sad that i missed eleven hours of life yesterday. i'm sad that i couldn't run my planned four miles. i'm sad that i feel so sore and hurt today. i am glad that it's friday, though. i'm glad that i should feel well enough tomorrow to run five miles as scheduled. i wish i had it in me to make up those four miles from yesterday, but i think that tonight calls for the couch and some sort of disney movie with my boys.

February Memories

Last night, I dreamed that I was nine months pregnant. It was so realistic. I could feel the swell of my stomach, feel the baby twisting and turning and poking out limbs. I woke up confused about why I was sleeping on my stomach because, oh, I was way too pregnant for that. But then I remembered that I'm (thankfully) not and so I can sleep on my stomach for maybe the rest of forever.
It made me think about February five years ago. Entering into this month knowing that I'd most likely have a baby in this month. Scared, excited. Ready to be done, but yet, afraid to be done because what was I going to do with a baby?
Part of that time is a blur. I don't remember much of my life before kids. Not because it was a meaningless life--it wasn't--but because the last five years have held so much that I forget that they haven't always been my life. But I remember Uno tournaments with Shane, both of us on the cusp of this new life, enjoying those last few days when it would be just us. I remember that every night, I would sit in the nursery, complete but for a baby. I would rock in the glider and imagine what it would be like with a baby at my breast, tired but surely so happy. I would place my hand on my stomach and say, "You can come out any time now. Whenever you're ready. We're ready to meet you. Your mommy and daddy and grandparents are all ready to meet you."
I would dream.
The hours and hours that I spent in labor with Luke are a blur. I remember only snippets, hours of walking the halls, of watching the buses arrive at my school in the morning and being thankful that I wasn't there, that I was in this miraculous moment instead. I remember thinking he'd never be born. I remember wondering if I was right, if he would be a he. I remember being so out of my mind with pain at the end that I felt like I was outside of my body. I remember being so tired that I could hardly lift my head or speak, yet I was pushing with strength that I didn't know I had, strength that was beyond me. I remember the way my mom yelled when he was almost born.
I remember the feeling when his feet slid out of me. Feeling empty, yet so whole.
Holding him, at last, at long last. At first, I didn't even know that he was born, then all of a sudden he was in my arms. In that instant, I forgot that he hadn't been in my arms forever.
Part of me can't believe that Luke turns five this month. I can't believe that he's been in my life for this long, that he isn't still that baby who fit in my arms as if they were created just to hold him. These past five years have been a struggle to learn how to be a mom, to learn how to raise a son. I don't always do it right. In fact, most times I'm certain I'm doing it wrong, but I keep trying. Someday, I hope he'll know how hard I tried to do right by him. I hope he'll know that I never meant to yell or not be 100% present in the moment or not be as patient as I should.
I hope he'll be as proud of me as I am of him.

half marathon training [week 4]

In this installation of "stuff that is boring to non-runners," things are pretty unremarkable. No new distances or speeds, but I did get to run outside every day this week. And I upped my dumbbells from really, really tiny to really tiny, causing me to walk around wincing in pain all day Thursday.

I am slowly getting used to Monday runs, although they're hard. I've always had Monday as a rest day because let's face it, Mondays are jerks. But to fit in three runs during the week, without doing them all in a row, I kind of had to utilize Monday. Monday is tough because I can't run right after school. Instead, I pick up Luke at school, then pick up Tommy, then dash out the door as soon as Shane gets home. Luckily Monday runs are never longer than three miles, but I still feel a little guilty saying hi and then goodbye to the boys. This particular Monday was stupid windy and I felt like I was running into the wind no matter which direction, but I got it done in 31 minutes and headed back inside to really see my boys.

Tuesday's run was a pain. The bike trail I run on had flooded at some point and then frozen over into a thin sheet of ice. Also, for some reason, there were chunks of wood on the trail. I can't figure this one out, but I was so busy watching for ice that I ended up turning an ankle on a chunk of wood. I am pretty sure I spent more time walking than running Tuesday--and I know I spent all of that time cursing myself for being out there. It was not pretty!

Thursday was a quick one mile run. It's amazing how easy this sounds, but it's really not that easy for me. I take awhile to warm up, and you don't really warm up on a one mile run. I did this in the morning before school, as I had Luke's parent-teacher conference after school (glowing report! so proud!). I have such mixed feelings about running in the dark. On one hand, I love it because it is so quiet and peaceful. Hardly any people or cars. On the other hand, I am a nervous, paranoid freak and I can't really enjoy it. I'd do it more often if there was some guarantee of safety.

This morning, I ran seven miles. I was excited because it's been awhile since I've had a run longer than five miles. I was not so excited when I saw the weather. A few inches of snow and wind gusts of up to 35 mph? I can handle the snow, but the wind. I hate you, wind. There was just enough snow to make running difficult. My usual strategy of cutting through the school parking lot and frontage road because they are always clear was a fail, as they were clear of snow, but not clear of ice. Instead of running through a clear path, I had to walk in the snow piled to the side of the road to keep from slipping! After this, I was happy to be back in the snow covered sidewalks and roads. I ended up miscalculating distance and finished my run not only uphill, but straight into the wind. I must've looked so comical. I was making running motions, but I swear I was moving backwards. Dealing with the wind and dodging snow plows was a little (okay, a lot) annoying, but it felt so good to be out there this morning. My muscles are screaming at me a little, so I'll definitely be spending some time with my foam roller today and tomorrow.
When I stopped for a snow plow at one point, I turned around and saw this view.

Isn't that beautiful? The path is the old railroad path. I always think about running down there, but I'm not sure if it belongs to someone or if there are hunters out there, so I don't want to go by myself. If anyone is ever up for a trail run/exploration, I would totally make them run this with me. Regardless, it was a beautiful sight this morning and I'm so glad I was there to see it.

Comparing, Contrasting, or Just Being

Slowly, steadily, I'm working on my Body Restoration book through Brave Girls Club. (Registration is still open for the course I'm taking--I cannot recommend it enough!)
Before I started, I was overwhelmed by all that was included and was so worried that I wouldn't have time to do it. So much so that I almost quit before I even began. I'm so glad I didn't. I've found out that I can carve out a little time each night, especially if I set up Luke and Tommy at the table with paint, too. We're all crafting together, almost every night, and I love it.
This week's really struck a chord with me. It is about loving you for you and not spending your time measuring yourself against others. I'm so bad about this. I might leave the house feeling good about myself, but put me in a group of women, and I'll decide why I'm not good enough. Someone will have better hair than me. Better boots. Look cuter in jeans. Thinner thighs. Much better hair. The list goes on and on. It's unfair to me and it's unfair to everyone else, because they didn't leave their house simply to become a measuring stick against which I judge myself. As I'm devaluing myself, I'm also devaluing the women around me. They are more than just their bodies, too.
Last night, I worked on this collage. I looked at each of the women; some pictures provided by Brave Girls Club, others that I'd cut out of a magazine.

It was still drying when I took the picture. It's not the best picture, either, but the purpose was to assign these labels to pictures of other women. Not labels about why she's better than me, but labels about how these women are real human beings who were put on this earth to be more than just a body. To hope, dream, cry, laugh, and simply live. It's a simple realization. Not exactly rocket science, but I can't fathom why it took the simple act of putting words and pictures to paper to strike me. I can't say that I'll never judge myself against others, but I'm going to try to be more cognizant of this--to realize that it doesn't matter if someone wears smaller jeans or has cuter hair, it just matters that we're both humans who are worth so much more.

Castaway Bay

We had the most wonderful weekend. A month or so ago, I received an offer for our family to visit Castaway Bay, an indoor waterpark located in Sandusky, Ohio. I jumped at the opportunity because my kids love the waterpark--and so do I. There's something really enchanting about playing indoors at an 82 degree waterpark while it snows outside. You can almost forget that it's winter. This time around, we definitely forgot that it was winter! This was our first time at Castaway Bay and we definitely return. Of the waterparks we've visited in the past, Castaway Bay quickly became our favorite. There are many reasons why, but first and foremost, we loved it because it is SO perfect for young kids. We've had incidents with shoving, running teenagers knocking into our little ones before and we've struggled with there only being one slide that's really appropriate for young kids. And let's face it, even a two year old is going to get bored after awhile. Castaway Bay was great because there is SO much to do. If you live in my area, it's super easy to travel. The distance is about the same as to Wisconsin Dells, but you miss Chicago traffic. Basically, we just got on the toll road and drove east until we got to Sandusky--it was so easy! The Ohio turnpike is great, too, because there are plenty of safe, clean places to stop. We were greeted by a table full of goodies when we got there. The boys were so excited that I couldn't stop little hands from grabbing things long enough to take a photo! And while I know that as guests of the waterpark, we obviously got a little extra special treatment, but I cannot stress enough how great the entire staff was. Obviously I didn't walk around with a sign saying, "Hi, I'm a blogger," so outside of the few extra perks, we were treated just like everyone else. The staff was unbelievably kind and friendly. Every time we passed the main guest, someone would smile and ask how we were doing. When we asked for a rollaway crib for Tommy (because I like to keep him contained in baby jail), it was brought up immediately with extra linens and pillows. The staff made a point of talking *to* the kids--asking them if they were having fun. I really liked that. The family activities offered at the park are awesome. While some do involve paying a little extra for supplies, for the most part, the activities are free and plentiful. Luke and Tommy loved seeing Peanuts characters wandering around the halls and lobby! As soon as we got there, we hit the waterpark. The slides in the toddler area quickly became Tommy's favorites. I loved them, too, because to get from the bottom of the slide, out of the pool, and back up to the top of the slide was completely open. This meant that I could stand at the bottom of the slide and wait for him to come back down and at no point was he out of my line of vision! This is awesome, because he wants to do everything on his own, and I didn't have to worry about losing sight of him. Safety is so important and I love it when a place is safe, yet doesn't infringe upon the fun that is being had. Luke's absolute favorite was Rendezvous Run, a water coaster. The first time we went on it, I was afraid he was going to be scared because my stomach dropped on the first hill, followed by a straight shot into a pitch black tube. Of course, as soon as I got my bearings, I realized he was laughing gleefully and not scared at all. I lost count of the number of times we went up the stairs and down this ride, but it was a lot. I love that he's tall enough to go on these sort of rides! We also discovered that he was tall enough to go on Paradise Plunge, a body slide at the top of the family funhouse. It was really cool to do these "big kid" slides with Luke and watch him REALLY enjoy them. I found myself wishing I had a waterproof case for my phone, as I would've loved to capture his joy! Don't worry. I captured it in other places. Friday night, we all went to a blogger dinner, where the kids got to sample some of the crafts available at Castaway Bay. I love how Castaway Bay handled this event, by the way. They seemed to understand that while we were there as bloggers, we were--first and foremost--there as families, which meant that we were interested in doing activities with our family. The boys go to color tshirts, make door hangers, and decorate cookies. (Okay, I colored Tommy's for him, but Luke had a blast decorating his!) Cookie decorating was a huge hit... Luke had such a blast that before we left, he gave out hugs and I love yous to the two absolutely wonderful PR women behind the event. Oh, and did I mention that a special guest joined us? The kid who wailed at the sight of Santa this Christmas couldn't get enough of Snoopy. Go figure. We finally had to tell Tommy that Snoopy had to go night night, because he was obsessed with seeing him again that he didn't want to go back to the waterpark before bed! Fortunately for us, we saw Snoopy the next morning on our way to the waterpark. Best of all? He was wearing pajamas, totally keeping in line with our "Snoopy went night night" fib from the night before. Tommy was so excited that he stopped dead in his tracks. I didn't get any shots in the morning, because I wanted to just enjoy our last little bit there. We went up and down the waterslides more times than I count, played basketball in the pool, battled the waves in the wave pool, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Walking out of the waterpark was definitely not easy (I'm not naming any names, but one of us did have to be carried kicking and screaming out of the park). We stopped in the lobby while Shane was loading the car, where we discovered two very awesome things: free face painting and Linus! I *love* that Linus has his blanket. (Shane is clapping because we couldn't believe that Tommy sat still for face painting.) Although it was incredibly hard to leave, I love that we were able to end the trip with face painting. It gave the boys one last experience to talk about on the ride home. I didn't talk much about our room, but we were very pleased with the Starfish room. The room itself was quiet. We didn't hear any noise at all once we went to bed, which is such a blessing. I hate staying somewhere only to have none of us able to sleep because all you hear are loud people crashing around outside your room. It was just the right size for us and had a mini-fridge and microwave, both of which are essential when traveling with kids. And free wi-fi! I did check out the fitness room Saturday morning (yes, I'm crazy) and found it to be very nice. The room itself was cozy with a big window and two flat screen TVs to make working out a little less painful. I was definitely impressed. Overall, I can't say enough good things about our stay, except that we will be back and I cannot wait. If you're looking for a fun, affordable family friendly getaway, I would definitely recommended Castaway Bay! Our trip was provided by Castaway Bay, but all opinions expressed are my own. Huge thank you to Castaway Bay and thunder::tech pr for providing us with this amazing opportunity!

Half Marathon Training [week 3]

This week had some ups and downs, but overall, I felt like it was a strong week. I had the day off Monday, so I got to run in the morning. This is always a nice weekday treat! However, the school in my town did not have the day off, which meant that my usually clear mile or so through the school parking lots and frontage road were not an option because I didn't want to dodge school buses and teenage drivers. The snow we'd gotten earlier in the weekend had time to melt a little and refreeze, making for slippery running conditions--not to mention that many of the sidewalks weren't clear. Including the sidewalk in front of the police station and town hall, which was so piled with snow that I had to walk into the busy street. That was kind of a pain, but I still finished three miles in 33 minutes. Not bad considering the conditions! Tuesday was my best 5k time yet! I finished in 29:45, shaving 14 seconds off my previous best time. The funny thing was my RunMeter app wasn't working correctly and didn't announce my pace or time, so I had no idea what my time was until I finished. I kind of like it that way, because I focused on how I felt instead of what the computer was telling me. Unfortunately, I need the app to tell me distance, so it's not an option to turn that off all of the time. I kind of screwed up on Thursday and underestimated how very cold it would be. Instead of packing my Mizuno gear, I just packed regular tights and a zip up hoodie. It was cold! Single digits cold, so I ran on the treadmill. Fortunately I was only scheduled to run two miles, but I was still pouty because I'd been looking forward to a quick, easy two miles outside. Thanks, winter. You're a dumb jerk. It took me 21 minutes and I managed to hit the emergency stop button twice. Did I mention how much I dislike the treadmill? In case I didn't mention how much I dislike the treadmill, let me reiterate. Today I was scheduled to run six miles. Because we were on a mini-vacation at a waterpark (a post is coming on that very soon), my only option was to do a treadmill run in the morning. I thought I could do it. I really, really thought I could power through my treadmill dislike and do it, but I could not. I managed to run three miles in a slow 36 minutes (during which I punctuated with tweets about how much I hate the treadmill), but I honestly felt like I'd died and was in some level of hell where I was required to run the treadmill for all of eternity (I'm pretty sure Dante would've mentioned that if treadmills were around in his time). It was awful. I turned on the TV, I listened to music, and nothing worked. It was so miserable. I stopped at three miles and got on the elliptical for 3.25 miles. I know it's not the same as a six mile run, but I'm confident that I could've ran six miles if I would've been outside. Instead of in what was so obviously hell. After my run, we went back to the waterpark where I climbed up the stairs to the top of the big slide with Luke approximately eight million times, so I'm confident that I got a good workout regardless. I really need to learn to power through my treadmill dislike. I'm trying, but mental blocks are my worst enemy. I also did a Tough Mudder workout on Wednesday. I should've done one on Friday, but after four hours in the car and three hours chasing the boys around the waterpark, I was beat! Again, I'm assuming all the stair climbing counted as conditioning. According to my Daily Mile, I've logged 104 miles since December 1st! Not bad at all--I can thank the mild December for most of that. Now that we have a taste of winter, I'm definitely ready for spring. Here's hoping I'm able to run outside this whole week...