Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Chin Up, Belly Out

Today is grey, cold, and rainy. The weather was the same eight years ago. I remember going to Shane's house, and then I went to work. Oh, how I wish I hadn't gone to work that night. I almost called off, too. I remember just feeling off and thinking that I wanted to stay home. Maybe it shouldn't be sunny today, at least not for me.

I feel okay. Parts of my heart feel heavy, I'm quietly lost in too many thoughts, but parts feel light. Today I am wearing the new dress I bought this weekend. I felt silly buying a new dress with only six weeks of pregnancy left to go, but I'm glad I did. Today I am touching my belly more than I normally do, because it's a reminder of how far I've come. Because when I was 19, I was told that I might not be able to have children, and I swore that I would kill him if he took that from me. Instead, today I have this reminder of all that he didn't take from me.

I saw my midwife on Monday and had an ultrasound to check on the location of my placenta. Thankfully, it has moved up where it should be. Baby is head down and repeatedly kicked the ultrasound wand off my stomach. What I loved about this ultrasound was how much more the baby looked like a baby. I saw chubby cheeks and a round nose, both of which I can't wait to kiss. We still don't know what is between the legs, though I have to admit that it was hard to not have her look! Shane and I have a little bet going on because he thinks the tech let a pronoun slip, but I disagree.
I lost a pound since my last appointment, putting my total weight gained at 9 pounds. At this point with Luke, I'd gained 30 pounds. I'm thinking the difference may be all the fruit cravings this time versus the bacon cheeseburger cravings last time! My midwife is not at all concerned by the slow weight gain, as the baby is measuring only a tiny bit smaller than Luke was at this point. She said that it didn't mean I'd have a tiny baby, it just meant that I'd walk out of this skinny. I won't argue with that! Still, because I lost a pound instead of gaining, I had ice cream and pizza for dinner. In that order.
We went over my birth plan, and it made it all the more real that I'll be having this baby soon. I can't believe it! I love having the baby all to myself right now, and I'm sad to see that end... but I also can't wait to share him/her with the world.

Today I am celebrating the joy in the sadness. In sadness, I found love and joy from all of your words yesterday, and I am carrying all of it in a heart that I thought couldn't possibly grow any more. There is so much light. Tomorrow is June 4th. It's another year behind me, and there is only, always light to be found in that.


Sharon - Mom Generations said...

Oh, Erin... your heart is as big as the sky and you are blessed with the words to open it to the universe. Your words pour like honey, golden and sweet... but with the intense power to make them stick. You are that golden honey, flowing into each crevice of our minds but never letting us forget how sweet life is and can be. Your strength today is a testament to your blessings... Shane, Luke, your family and the little "pronoun" who is truly one with you right now. This is where the sweetness and light enter... even on this dark day, you know the miracle of life as it is and as it will be. To teach this to your babies and to your students and to this world audience is the greatest gift. (Just a thought... what is Shane's little pet name for you? Or your parents? Does anyone call you HONEY?) You are living the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, who said, LIFE WAS MEANT TO BE LIVED. ONE MUST NEVER, FOR WHATEVER REASON, TURN HER BACK ON LIFE. On these early June days, this is what you are doing and this is what you are teaching us to do. Love, Sharon

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

The dress? Perfection.

You? Amazing.

Your baby? I'm going to punch.

Your birth plan? CAN'T WAIT.

Loving you and wishing you peace today.

Kim said...

I just love you. Your honesty, your candor, everything. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out.

I can't wait to meet this little one (I think it's a girl...maybe that's just wishful thinking so I can make her a little dress) and share in your joy.

Praying for peace in your heart today.

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I never left a comment yesterday because I was too moved by what you said. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm so glad to see that you've come so far and have not let a moment like that define your life.

Have a great day, and all of your baby news is SO EXCITING! :)

Julie said...

The dress was a totally necessary purchase. And, I love the rustic school bathroom backdrop. ;-)

Miss you and love you and can't wait to meet the new little one.

Oh, and, as for being thinner pregnant than I am not pregnant, I hate you. :P Seriously.....

Kaycee said...

I have not commented on your blog before. I found you when Beth did your photo shoot (GORGEOUS!) and linked to your blog so I have not been following long. But I have to tell you, after your amazing post yesterday I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to comment to you. I did not know what to say.

I have been going through your archives and reading up, and I just find you to be more and more amazing. You have such spirit. That you give joy and help others move through their struggles by sharing your words is such a gift. I am a teacher as well, and I am impressed that you find the time to share yourself with all of us in addition to your students.

So thanks. And know that you are touching lives. I am sure I am not the only person (who doesn't even know you in real life) who was moved to tears yesterday, and lived their day a little different after reading your words. I may not have something to say all the time, but I love your blog and I will continue to read everything you have to say.

nic @mybottlesup said...

you look strong and fantastic.


Sarah Viola said...

Nothing for me to say, except I love you. And cupcakes. You should eat several today.

Crooked Eyebrow said...

You Erin, look fabulous. Good for you for buying a new dress!

only 9#, I hate you. (no not really, i love you) Maybe you should take Sarah's advise and eat more cupcakes.I'll have one in your honor too.

My only hope it that with all these wonderful comments and with each happier year that passes that you continue to grow stronger from all the love.


InTheFastLane said...

LOVE the dress. Love how you are celebrated your life and the lives that you have been blessed with.

Lots and lots of hugs on this gray day.

Heather D said...

You look gorgeous and I truly hope this day has more ups than downs!
Forget the cupcakes.
Eat an entire cake!

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

I found you through Beth's site (I think I've been here before, but I cannot remember, so I'll go with that) and ohmygoodness, there are no words. I wish "he" hadn't taken anything from you, but reading this post it is apparent that you are a strong woman and I am so, so unbelievably proud of you for that.

In addition, you and I are due within two days of one another. So from one pregnant woman to the next: congratulations and I hope you enjoy the next six weeks =)

CasualFridayEveryDay said...

You're truly lovely. The dress is very becoming on you. And your sweet spirit shines through.


Erin said...

I think you are incredibly brave to share your story with people who don't know you! I think you are incredibly strong to have picked yourself up and moved on. Thank you for your story - I don't "know" you, but I can tell your heart is good and your spirit is amazing!

P.S. - the dress is awesome!

Stephanie Wilson she/her @babysteph said...

That dress is adorable!!! I have been thinking of you today. And what the heck, Beth? You are not going to punch that baby!


Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

What is it with Beth and punching things anyway? LOL

Can you possibly be ANY cuter? Seriously? I had a dress similar to that with my last and didn't look anywhere NEAR as cute as you. A-DOR-ABLE!

anymommy said...

You are beautiful. Have ice cream and pizza again tonight, for me, okay?

With love, S

Kelly said...

I'm amazed by your 9lb weight gain, that is all baby and placenta. 6 weeks is plenty of time to enjoy the dress and you can always pass it on.

Best wishes on your birth plan!

Mimi's Toes said...

You look amazing in that dress! Great purchase. I love the order in eating the ice cream first and then the pizza.

Jenni said...

First of all...I LOVE the new dress! You are the sassiest preggo EVER!

Secondly, I just read yesterday's post and now today's. Wow. Just LOOK at how far you've come. It would have been so easy to let it all swallow you up, but you didn't and you should feel SO proud of yourself for that!

Such The Spot said...

Not so long ago you tweeted "I love you. I just really love you".

Now it's my turn.

Lovin on you today. Big time. :)