Beach Baby

Alternately titled: Beached Whale

Just kidding, I don't really feel like a beached whale. Okay, I kind of did with all the skinny girls in bikinis, but they suck anyway.

The water was cold, so for the first time in days, I felt cool and comfortable with my feet dug in the sand.


It's hard to believe I'm 37 weeks. I saw my midwife today, and I'm back down to just a ten pound weight gain because it is too freaking hot to eat anything other than strawberries and ice cream. And watermelon. Lots of watermelon! She is estimating that if I had this baby today, it'd weigh six pounds, but if I (more likely scenario) have this baby at 40ish weeks, it'll weigh in the lower 8 pound spectrum. She was spot on in estimating that Luke would weigh nine pounds, so I trust her mad weight estimating skillz. My GBS was negative, which means she has no problem with me laboring at home for as long as necessary. It's funny how different this baby is from Luke. When she used to feel for Luke's head during internal exams, she could bob it around without any protest from him. When she did with this baby today, it immediately planted both feet in my ribs like, What the hell are you doing!? Anyway, baby's head is at a -2, I'm 1cm and soft but not effaced. At 37 weeks with Luke, everything was still closed up tighter than Fort Knox, and believe it or not, his head never descended to a -2 until I was NINE CENTIMETERS. For those of you not versed with prego lingo, a -2 is the *highest* point of head engagement, so basically, I had one stubborn ass kid.
I feel excited, but I also feel so content to let this pregnancy stretch on to 40 weeks. I'm enjoying it, I really, truly am. My only complaint is the heat and the fact that I have yet another toothache, but the heat is obviously out of my control, and the toothache is the result of a root canal yesterday and should hopefully feel better in a few days.

And now that I've let you all know the state of my cervix, I'm going to go take a nap, even though I've only been awake for roughly 2.5 hours. I love summer!

You Capture: Emotions

Sometimes I feel like I get too wordy in my you capture posts, so I will just let you know that this picture captures my favorite of emotions: pure, unadulterated joy.

Out And About

Do you remember how weeks and weeks ago, I wore this gray tank top and had only the slightest bit of a bump?

And now, at 36 weeks, I can just barely pull it down to cover my stomach that now seems like it can't possibly grow any further out. My skin is stretched as tight as a drum, and several times a day, I get little feet sticking out of me every which way.

I love it. I can't imagine how much bigger I'm going to get over the next four or so weeks, but I love it. I hit 12 pounds of weight gained, and even though I'm pouty to be over ten, I know half of that weight is baby... so really, I think I'm doing pretty well! I'm still working out, though I don't know how much longer I can keep up 40 minutes every night.

Today is June 16th. My due date is July 16th. I can't believe that by this time next month, I may have possibly already met the little one inside of me... or I may be getting very close to meeting him/her. The baby clothes are all washed. My hospital bag is packed. The only thing I have left to get together is the list of people for Shane to call after the baby is born. I can't believe the time between 13 weeks and 36 weeks went so quickly, but I can truthfully say that I've loved every single minute.

Single Handed

At this point in my pregnancy with Luke, I remember being all, WOOHOO I CAN COUNT THE NUMBER OF WEEKS ON ONE HAND. This time around, it's still exciting, but also, I'm kind of wishing I had another ten weeks left.

I love this pregnancy so much. I might look and feel like I swallowed a watermelon, but at this point with Luke, I'm pretty sure I felt like Jabba the Hutt. Winter pregnancies just aren't as cute because you have to bundle yourself up and put on shoes that aren't flip flops and that's just not fun! I remember both Shane and my midwife having to tie my shoes for me. (And yes, I know my pale whitey white legs look like I'm pregnant in the winter, but my summer vacation still has not yet started.) It helps that Steph has so sweetly passed on a million cute maternity clothes to me, making me feel a little less burned out with clothing at this point.
I'm starting my regimen of red raspberry leaf tea, acidophilus, and evening primrose oil. The amount of pills I take every night makes me feel like an 80 year old woman, but I'm hoping they help this baby to shoot out of me like a cannonball. Unlike the last baby I had who took 22 hours to slooooowly emerge from my body with a great deal of coaxing. He's totally worth it, but I wouldn't turn down a quicker labor this go round.

I have a to-do list that's about a mile long, but surely this sweet baby who has given me no new stretch marks and has only caused a ten pound weight gain will wait until that to-do list is finished, right?

You Capture: Feel

I wasn't quite sure what to do for this week's you capture, until I accidentally took this photo. I was trying to take a photo of my baby bump, and instead, I ended up getting myself all blurry and covered up with the flash. It was crooked and blurry and looked more like I was trying to take a picture of this art print.

 

But I like it, because what do I want to feel when I look into my eyes every morning? I want to feel hope, like the print says. I want to see hope and live hope and give hope. Somehow, by sheer accident, I captured what I so desperately want to feel, even, especially on the mornings when life seems a little crooked, a little blurry, and I just can't seem to get it right.

Chin Up, Belly Out

Today is grey, cold, and rainy. The weather was the same eight years ago. I remember going to Shane's house, and then I went to work. Oh, how I wish I hadn't gone to work that night. I almost called off, too. I remember just feeling off and thinking that I wanted to stay home. Maybe it shouldn't be sunny today, at least not for me.

I feel okay. Parts of my heart feel heavy, I'm quietly lost in too many thoughts, but parts feel light. Today I am wearing the new dress I bought this weekend. I felt silly buying a new dress with only six weeks of pregnancy left to go, but I'm glad I did. Today I am touching my belly more than I normally do, because it's a reminder of how far I've come. Because when I was 19, I was told that I might not be able to have children, and I swore that I would kill him if he took that from me. Instead, today I have this reminder of all that he didn't take from me.


I saw my midwife on Monday and had an ultrasound to check on the location of my placenta. Thankfully, it has moved up where it should be. Baby is head down and repeatedly kicked the ultrasound wand off my stomach. What I loved about this ultrasound was how much more the baby looked like a baby. I saw chubby cheeks and a round nose, both of which I can't wait to kiss. We still don't know what is between the legs, though I have to admit that it was hard to not have her look! Shane and I have a little bet going on because he thinks the tech let a pronoun slip, but I disagree.
I lost a pound since my last appointment, putting my total weight gained at 9 pounds. At this point with Luke, I'd gained 30 pounds. I'm thinking the difference may be all the fruit cravings this time versus the bacon cheeseburger cravings last time! My midwife is not at all concerned by the slow weight gain, as the baby is measuring only a tiny bit smaller than Luke was at this point. She said that it didn't mean I'd have a tiny baby, it just meant that I'd walk out of this skinny. I won't argue with that! Still, because I lost a pound instead of gaining, I had ice cream and pizza for dinner. In that order.
We went over my birth plan, and it made it all the more real that I'll be having this baby soon. I can't believe it! I love having the baby all to myself right now, and I'm sad to see that end... but I also can't wait to share him/her with the world.

Today I am celebrating the joy in the sadness. In sadness, I found love and joy from all of your words yesterday, and I am carrying all of it in a heart that I thought couldn't possibly grow any more. There is so much light. Tomorrow is June 4th. It's another year behind me, and there is only, always light to be found in that.