Is it okay to hope a little?

Friday we saw Tommy's neurologist, for the first time since February. It was our longest stretch seeing her, because it is his longest seizure-free stretch. As the months tick by, I'm afraid to breathe these words in more than a whisper. Afraid to talk about it, much less type it. Even now, I'm so afraid. I am so afraid I'm going to jinx it, that our carefully placed house of cards is going to crumble once I hit submit this post.

I know this is silly, but October scares me. October will be one year since his last seizure. October will mark the two year anniversary of when his seizures first began. I kind of hate October. All the what ifs and the fears and the whys swirl around in my head. What makes him seize in October. What happens? What can I do to make it stop? Is he going to have another seizure? Please, God. No. I can't do this anymore. Sometimes we forget that he has epilepsy. Sometimes we've allowed ourselves to hope that he will never, ever have another seizure again and I just don't know what I will do. I know it's a possibility, but I just don't even like to think about it.

Anyway, we had a good appointment. There's so much that I want to share with you, but I can't just yet because my mama heart can't handle it all at once. It was positive. Hopeful. And I just have to hold on and make it through October, then I can share more about Tommy and what his future holds.

For now, I want to tell you how proud I am of this boy. He doesn't really like doctors and he gets nervous, but he sat so still while they took all of his vitals.


Then we found out he needed a blood draw and he didn't even shed a tear. He whimpered a little when the needle went in, held my hand, then he just sat and watched. Better than most adults!


He earned himself a Spiderman sticker and a cookie from Au Bon Pain for that. I am so proud of him. Next month, he will have to have another EEG. I hope and pray the results will be normal as they have always been. Epilepsy is exhausting, though, because there's no test that can tell us if he'll have another seizure, really. We just wait each day as we have been and pray that this boy goes to bed healthy.