Monday, September 14, 2009

Your Love Is Better Than Ice Cream

Thursday morning I woke up and still had a headache. In complete defeat, I dressed Luke, fed him, and walked him down to the sitter's. Afterward, Tommy and I climbed into bed and napped for FOUR HOURS curled into each other. When I woke up, I still had a headache, but I felt refreshed. Shane came home, and we got Dairy Queen for dinner. I ate a Blizzard and didn't even think about working out.

Friday, I still had a teeny tiny headache, but much less of one. Friday night, I cried to Shane that I felt like I was losing control of everything, that I felt like a horrible mother and wife. He rubbed my back and promised me that he didn't care if we lived in the messiest house in the world, as long as I was happy.

Saturday morning, I didn't have a headache. We went to a farmer's market, and I carried one sweet boy tight against me.
And laughed with delight while the other was turned into a tiger.
When we got home, I did some housework and laundry, but I stopped when I got tired. I ate three pieces of apple cake and still didn't work out. When it was bedtime, instead of rushing Luke into bed so I could clean or work out or whatever stupid thing seemed to matter a week ago, I cuddled with him in our bed, which we haven't done since the night Tommy was born. As he grabbed my hand tight in his and pressed it against the sweet, soft spot of his belly where his pajamas don't quite cover because he is growing, growing, GROWING so big every day, I cried quietly into my pillow.

I cried because for the first time in days, maybe weeks, I really enjoyed being a mom. I cried because letting go is hard and forgiving yourself is even harder. I cried because it's going to get better, even when it doesn't seem like it, it will. But mostly I cried because there is so much love in my life, and somehow, over these past eight weeks, I forgot that these two don't care if the floors are swept or if I get my post-baby stomach back in shape. They just care that their mama is healthy and happy and loving on them all day long.

25 comments:

Vanessa said...

This is such a good post.
It's good to take things slow because everything else passes by so quickly.
I have 2 boys as well - 22 months and 6 weeks.
Keep taking care of yourself, Mama!

Crooked Eyebrow said...

I love this post more than I do ice cream.

well, have you tried the new cookie jar blizzard? Yum.

anywhoo, this week is going to be so much better for you. Enjoy your momma time!

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

GAH. Tears. So beautiful, oh my God, Erin.

Cameron said...

This post is beautiful and brave. Have a wonderful week, you. :)

Ashley said...

Thanks for making me cry :-). No seriously, I'm right with you. Worried about the wrong things when two boys needed me more than the laundry needed to be folded or what have you. It is hard to realize this because the wife/person you once were doesn't come out the same way. But better. And as a mom with a 2 year old and a 5 month old (just a little older than your babe) I can tell you it has gotten better. Keep looking up and cuddling with those sweet little ones.

Karen B. said...

Great post. The little ones don't care the floors need swept and laundry needs done they want you. After having my second the cleaning came last. You can come to my house and there is a window with finger prints, load of laundry sitting, a floor that needs swept. But you will also find art work hanging, cookies made, chalk drawings on the driveway, toys in the yard and 3 kids that had the best day.

I also enjoy cuddling with the kids at night.

Nicolasa said...

I came across your blog when you had your second son. I remember someone shared it with me because your story was so incredible.

I just have to say that your post literally brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you and this revelation. Cheers to mommyhood!

Rissa said...

This made me weepy. Beautiful, and a great reminder. I'm right there with you. This time is so...fleeting and beautiful. You really captured that.

Bacardi Mama said...

You hit the nail on the head. They really don't care about anything, but what they know. Happiness and love. You are very lucky to realize this. Yay Erin!!

InTheFastLane said...

And look at those faces! Take care of those faces and take care of you first, by eating lots of ice cream :)

mommy boo of two said...

I'm glad you had this epiphany now! (it took me longer, sad to say) Enjoy your babies while they're just that...babies.

designHER Momma said...

oh you hit the nail on the head. I might have to bookmark it and reference it from time to time...

april said...

What a beautiful post. I loved every word.

And CE is right. Cookie Jar Blizzard = YUM.

Mom of Three said...

That sounds just right.

Made me sniffle. :-) You lucky lady surrounded by all that love.

Sending best wishes your way.

Elaine A. said...

I'm so very glad you were able to make that discovery. ; )

They are gorgeous Erin.

Ryley said...

I just said to my husband (as we walked in the door from our anniversary dinner)that there was nothing more in the world that I wanted to do than to crawl in the babies crib and curl up around him....
I sooo know how you feel right now...

imadramamama said...

I'm so glad that you are starting to enjoy motherhood! Every day will be a little bit better!

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

Wow, that is such a sweet post. I am glad that you are enjoying being a mother again and that you are remembering to take the time to be happy.

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. And this is such a difficult lesson to grab onto because, as women, we have some innate need to make everything perfect for everyone. EveryONE is key word... not everyTHING. I was moved to tears by your post, too, because I remember those days of having babies and little kids and concentrating on dust bunnies under the sink... like some mind game they were playing with me. It takes so much courage to stop and think and stop again. That's when the headaches end. That's when the living does reveal all the miracles. Enjoy your beautiful boys each each each moment... because some day soon they are going to be on their ways to NYC on interviews and you will be so lovingly remembering those extra hugs and their little jammies and their beautiful little smells. Wonderful post.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Oh, Erin, take it easy on yourself. It is so easy to get sidetracked by things that seem so important to us without looking at the big picture and who is really important. I am sure you are doing a great job, and you are so lucky to have a supportive husband. I hope you have a good week!
Jen

Mommy Mo said...

OMG, this is so true and I am crying right along with you. My kids don't care if their birthday party is planned today. They don't care if dinner is on the table exactly at 5:30pm. They don't care if I trip over a million toys on my way to the bedrom to make the bed, put the laundry away, wipe nose, wipe butts, sign permission slips for school, make school lunches, dust the furniture, mop the floors, pay the bills, surf the internet.

They just want me.

And I need to forgive myself for NOT being perfect, because let's face it, I am NOT.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I love this post. I can't totally relate because I only have one child, but other than that I can and I know someday I will. Beautifully crafted.

The Fritz Facts said...

I am so glad that you are feeling better, and being better to yourself.

It isn't easy to give up control, but one step at a time is the best way.

Blizzards do often help...

Such The Spot said...

Stupid headaches. They jack everything up. I'm glad yours is gone.

I can see you, crying into your pillow. Poor mama. Those first few months are so hard. Emotionally and otherwise.

You are awesome. Don't forget it.

To Think is to Create said...

OH gosh. Tears. Loved this. Why don't you warn me I'm going to cry?

Thanks for this, I'm so glad you had that moment.

xoxo