Surprise!!

I have pretty amazing family and friends. I already knew this, but it was even more solidified when Shane, Julie, and Donya managed to throw off a surprise party for my 30th birthday.

This is amazing for so many reasons. One, it's beyond humbling to know that a group of busy people took their time and energy to put together something just for you. Two, Shane doesn't have a cell phone, so the fact that he managed to coordinate this without texting anyone is amazing. Three, everyone managed to pull it off in a way that I just thought they were busy my birthday weekend. And four, Luke knew about it and managed to keep it a secret for three weeks straight.

Shane got me out of the house Sunday morning under the guise of taking me to breakfast. He said his mom was going to watch the kids all day so we could go out to breakfast and dinner. Before we left for breakfast, I took all the sheets off the bed, washed them, and had them in the dryer, because I was definitely planning on taking a nap after breakfast. I also wasn't planning on eating lunch after breakfast, so I definitely ate a huge serving of french toast stuffed with bananas, peanut butter, and bacon. It was, in a word, amazing.


While I was making a glutton of myself, my house was being transformed.

And filled with desserts.


After breakfast, we went to CVS because I needed to pick up a prescription. This worked out for Shane, who needed to kill more time before we went home. Walking into CVS, we ran into one of my coworkers. I thought he was being really rude because he walked off while I was talking to him and didn't wish me a happy birthday. It turns out he was headed to our house and was panicked that he was going to ruin the whole thing. Ha!

When we got home, I was pretty excited to take my nap. Until we walked in and a bunch of people in my living room started yelling surprise at me. I don't remember what I said, but I think I called Shane a jerk.


The neatest part of this whole thing was looking around the room and taking in who was there... it was incredible to look from person to person and register that they were there for me.
Next I went around the room and hugged everyone and laughed at whatever excuse they'd given me. I was super surprised to see my bestie Leah there because she lives 2ish hours away... and she'd told me she had a baptism to attend!







Someone took my purse and told me to go downstairs and look at the decorations and then someone else handed me a mimosa, which was like my third of the day. It was all kind of a blur...I really couldn't believe it was happening, how incredible everything was.



(To read more about this amazing cake, visit Julie's blog.)

I blew out candles and everyone sang while I was holding Tommy. Then Luke realized that he missed out on cake and was sad, so we decided that the first time was just a dry run. Julie lit the candles again and this time, I held Luke while everyone sang and I blew out the candles.




I didn't really know what to wish for because I couldn't think of anything else I could possibly need, you know? I felt like I had it all. It's amazing to get to a point in your life where your family and friends throw you a surprise party with the perfect decorations and the perfect desserts because they know just what you'd want. And then you unwrap gifts and every single gift is something you would've purchased for yourself because, again, they know you so well. There were even presents from people like Ryley and Cameron and Adam, who couldn't make it because they live a million miles away or because their wife just had a baby... yet they still took the time to do something special for me. That is humbling.

I was and still am so overwhelmed at all that these two did to throw this together. And my husband, with whom I apparently didn't take a picture? Oops!


I wasn't dreading turning thirty. Age is just a number and I'm probably in better health now than I was ten years ago, but I was worried that my thirties would not top my twenties. I can't think of a more fitting way to ease that worry than to start my thirties off with one of the best days of my life. I'm sure that I've forgotten details or people to thank, but what is overwhelmingly with me--reflecting back on this and on our Tommy's Team walk--is how incredibly, amazingly blessed I am to have such love and support in my life. You guys? I am really, really lucky.

Thank you to Donya for these incredible photos. You can see all of them here.

For Hope

"Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms." ~ Mark Twain

When the boys were babies, I used to watch the rise and fall of their chests sometimes. I'd stand nearby and place my hand on them to feel the steady rise and fall, the assurance that they were okay. The first time Luke slept through the night, my heart panicked when I opened my eyes to the sunlight. I rolled over, placed my hand in the bassinet and was reassured that yes, he was still breathing. The thought that a baby could just stop breathing while sleeping was so scary and when they passed that stage, I was so grateful. It was one less thing to worry me.

And then Tommy was diagnosed with epilepsy and I learned about sudden unexplained death in epilepsy... and you know what? That's just not fair. Suddenly I was back to tiptoeing into his room every night, multiple times, placing my hand on his chest and waiting for that reassuring rise and fall. Only this was different than when I had infants, because I wasn't able to hope so much, because it might be something that he'd never outgrow. I wrote about feeling like hope was dragging around behind me, like a lead balloon. It was so hard and heavy, for a long time. I kept it inside of me mostly, but it was such a crushing weight. Somehow, the loss of hope is heavier than anything in this world. For awhile, I thought hope might never return. It's so hard to hope when all you see when you close is your eyes is the image of your child with twisted blue lips and a pale face.

But it did... it always does, and I found the sweet hopeful, happiness that we had before his diagnosis.

Yesterday, we walked and ran for people who might not have that hope. We walked and ran because epilepsy is not stronger than us. It's not. It might be big and scary, but it won't beat us. We walked and ran because maybe someday, there will be a cure and maybe someday, parents won't have to go through what we did. As I ran yesterday, I studied the faces of the people I passed. Some wearing team tshirts, some not, and I wondered how they were connected. I wondered what they went through to lead them to this place.

On the way home, Shane asked me what connections the people on our team had to epilepsy, if their children were epileptic. I said, "No. Their connection is Tommy," and that's it. Some of the people on our team are friends of friends. Some of them, I didn't meet until yesterday. Some of them held my hand through his diagnosis and cried with us.

And those who couldn't walk with us because of time or distance or commitments or illnesses were there in spirit, through donations and support. As of today, Tommy's Team has raised $3345. This amount far surpasses my wildest thoughts on what we could do--and we did it all because we aren't going to let epilepsy win. Because, no matter what, this disease is not stronger than our hope.




Huge thanks go out to the sponsor of our tshirts, Caribbean Pools & Spas

Love in the time of nachos

Yesterday out of nowhere, Shane said, Was last year our fifth anniversary? Is this June going to be our sixth? Did we not do anything special last year? Thankfully because of this blog, I was able to look back and see that we went out for sushi, which isn't a big thing but was perfect for us. Especially since we promptly forgot that we did anything at all.

Lately I've been so happy and content with our marriage. Of course we fight and sometimes he annoys me and all the time he snores so loud that I consider smothering him in his sleep. But. He also gives me butterflies after all these years and makes me dinner every night and gave me two beautiful boys. I'm really very lucky.

What do YOU think love is? Love for me is this one thing in particular. When I eat nachos, I like to soak the chips in the cheese so when I eat them, they're all soggy and soaked in cheese. It's the best way to eat nachos, in my opinion. When we're out together, at the movies or maybe a ball game, if Shane buys nachos, he ALWAYS puts a chip in the cheese for me so it'll be nice and soggy by the time he pays and sits down. Silly, right? But I never have to ask him or say it, he just does it because it makes me happy. Soggy nachos might not seem like love, but they are.

Hands Together

When I read stories of women who have survived domestic or sexual abuse, my heart swoops and falls. And then soars. It falls for the women who have to go through this. It falls knowing that there are women out there who have gone through this, but no one knows because they're afraid to tell. And it soars for those women who tell, so that those who can't don't feel alone. I've spoken before about my own survival, about giving HIM the middle finger, but what I haven't spoken about is men. Not the men who hurt women, but the men who stand by those women who are hurt. Fathers who hold their daughters tight and wish they could take it all away. Brothers who want fight the urge to enact violence on those who hurt their sisters. Husbands who are patient when their wives cringe at the gentlest of touches.

Men like Shane. I've never spoken before about this, and I never intended to do so. Except that the other day, I caught myself responding rudely to him via email. I caught myself and immediately sent another email, apologizing and saying I wasn't thinking clearly. It was good to be able to look outside of myself, because for so many years I couldn't. Hours after I was raped, I showed up on Shane's doorstep. Hurt. Scared. In tears. He settled me on the couch with a blanket and a glass of water, and then I remember he went outside with a baseball and a bat and hit the ball over and over. Recently, he told me that he blames himself for not making me go to the hospital right away, but I don't blame him and wish he wouldn't, either.

We'd been dating for less than a year when it happened. That's a lot of baggage to add to a fairly new relationship, and it's safe to say that I put him through hell and back over the next several years. There are times now when he'll respond to me in a guarded way, and when I ask him why, he says that he forgets that I'm not that person anymore. And then I realize that he spent so long tiptoeing on eggshells, worrying that he'd step too hard and break the eggs. Break me. Because I smothered him. I clung to him like I was on a sinking ship. If he was five minutes late, I would panic. I would fall apart. And then when I was done falling apart, I'd yell at him. I'd tell him he was awful, that he should just break up with me. I would test his love because I didn't understand why he loved me. All of the hate I felt for myself, I poured on him. And he took it. He took it and took it and took it and only really lost his temper with me once and apologized almost immediately. When I try to thank him, I can't make the words come out my mouth. I can't get past thank you. I can acknowledge that it was hard on him, that I was a different person then, but I can't begin to tell him HOW MUCH it means to me.

I could give him a round of applause every day for the rest of our lives, and it still wouldn't be enough. He stood by me. He sat through a two hour deposition with a lawyer attacking him, the same lawyer who repeatedly made sure that Shane was served court summons papers AT WORK, in front of his students. He took the embarrassment and never once complained. He brought me flowers and Skittles and would come over after long days of work and tuck me into my bed and kiss my forehead. He understood why I was the way I was. He listened and loved and put a ring on my finger. He took those vows to stand by me for better or worse, when he'd already stood by me through the worst. He gave me two beautiful sons and gives more every day when he tells me that he just wants them to know to respect women. To all those men out there who have stood by someone who has been hurt, thank you. From the bottom of my sometimes fragile heart, thank you.

You Capture: Red

'Tis the season for red, isn't it? Red mums, red leaves, red noses from the chill in the air.

Of course, I have the obligatory red leaves. I like these leaves because they're not yet all the way red, making me think (hope?) that maybe summer hasn't completely left us yet.

Then there's Luke in his new red coat ($10, thank you Old Navy!) about to get a piggy back ride at a nearby Arboretum. We spent an hour and a half hiking and running on Sunday. Tommy slept in the sling the entire time, and it was just a lovely way to spend the morning with my three favorite boys in the whole wide world.

I wish that this photo looked better, but I snapped it with my phone two seconds before I devoured this piece of RED velvet cake. It was amazing, but I'd already consumed roughly 8000 calories at dinner, so I'm pretty sure I suffered a minor heart attack after eating it. SO WORTH IT.

Finally, this is my favorite red lipstick. It is matte and very old Hollywood. Unfortunately, it is also very hard to pull off unless you are wearing the right outfit and eye makeup, so I only wear it about twice a year. As a testament to how little I wear it, I bought this tube four years ago with Leah (we walked into the MAC store and demanded that teach us to wear red lipstick), and it looks hardly used! Speaking of Leah, she's just beginning blogging again and is going through a tough time, so if you have a free moment, could you please swing by her site? I will love you forever!

I hope you enjoyed my red captures!

Step By Step

Big hand, little hand

They both hold my heart.

Labor Day: His Story

The following is Shane's entire recollection of the night Tommy was born. I told him that I can't believe he didn't make fun of me more, but I love what he wrote. I hope you will, too.

After correctly predicting baby Luke coming out a boy--and “enduring” (happily) a 22 hour labor experience, I was ready for a baby girl (my prediction) and another longish labor. Little did I know…

In anticipation of Erin’s due date of July 16th, Erin, Luke, and I made a slew of enjoyable trips to Coffee Creek, where we walked a three-mile nature hike in order to get the baby ready and to avoid the 22 hour marathon labor--and of course, to enjoy a healthy birthing experience, which many don‘t have the fortune to experience. We walked the trail twice on Thursday, July 16th (Tommy’s due date), and Erin began having major signs later the next day. We were prepared to go to the hospital soon. I went to bed Friday evening in order to get some rest while Erin was taking a bath. She woke me up at 11:40 p.m. In order to get going to the hospital, I staggered around and quickly got dressed while Luke slept, and I made my way to the downstairs bathroom to put my contacts in. I had one contact in when Erin shouted to get upstairs. Next thing I knew, we were prepping for an unplanned homebirth. In addition, this lucky “veil” baby first appeared as a water balloon. We had no idea what that was at the time. Thus, Erin frantically mentioned how “I think we waited too long!” and I thought to myself “No shit!” We called 911; eventually, of course, Luke woke up as Erin made it to the landing of the staircase (at one point I shouted how we have to get Luke out of here, and Erin said, “There‘s no time!”), I was on the phone with 911, and the next thing we knew, Thomas John was born! Erin caught the baby, she announced the fact it was a boy, and I made an exhausted, excited attempt to tie the cord with my kitchen twine. The poor young saps from the Fire Department showed up, and it was a male-idiot fest while Erin held the baby on the stairs. Finally, the wonderful FEMALE EMTs showed up, I knew Erin and Tommy were fine, and I was the proud father (for the 2nd time) of a healthy baby. Although many called me “Doctor”, Erin really did most of the work. With regard to the grandparents, what really sticks out in my mind is Erin’s parents running up to the house (imagine pulling up and seeing an ambulance and fire trucks) and me announcing, “It’s a boy!” Neighbor Wally joined those of us on the lawn outside while the ambulance drove Mommy and Tommy off to the hospital. I called my parents shortly thereafter, and my mom kept asking me if Tommy’s birthday was 7/17 or 7/18, since he was born around midnight. I had no idea; one can understand I was not checking my watch through this…thanks to the 911 transcripts and me saying, “The baby’s out!”, we now know Tommy John’s birthday is officially 12:02 a.m., July 18th, 2009.

To end this unique and unpredictable experience, the “girl” ended up a boy, I witnessed a woman trying to keep the baby in as opposed to painfully push it out, and the anticipated 22 hour labor turned into 22 seconds. He had such a special entry into this world, he is destined--like his brother and his grandfathers (for whom Tommy John is named)--to be extra special.

You Capture: Emotions

Sometimes I feel like I get too wordy in my you capture posts, so I will just let you know that this picture captures my favorite of emotions: pure, unadulterated joy.

Flower Child

I've been having a really rough time at work lately, so Shane and Luke surprised me at work Tuesday with these beautiful yellow tulips. Shane apologized because they were just from the grocery store, but honestly? They are the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.

26 weeks. I can't wait to add one more little bloom to my life.

My Birthday Boy

Luke,

Two years ago, you were born. Two days ago, I happened to be standing in the very room where you were born, and I recalled how at the moment you entered this world, a ray of sunshine broke through the heavy February clouds. Your name means bringer of light, and from that first moment, you've brought more light to our lives than I could ever imagine.

You bring light to me every morning when I get you out of the crib, and you nestle your sweet head into my shoulder and murmur, "Hi mama." You bring light to me at the darkest time of my day when I have to leave for work, and you sweetly hug and kiss me, but you never, ever cry, like you know how it's already so hard for me. You bring us light with your laughter, your wonder, and the way you're such a boy, but yet you still fold so sweetly into our arms.

No matter what, I promise we'll never take your light for granted.
All of my love, always.

Wordless Wednesday: My Dishwashers

Lightning Striking Again

And again and again and a--okay, you get the point. Did anyone in the Chicagoland area get much sleep last night? Because we sure didn't! The storm(s) started durng Luke's bedtime. I caught flashes of lightning through the window as I was nursing him, but I had no idea that the storm would continue ALL NIGHT LONG.

Thankfully, we did not have any tornado activity and extra thankfully, we did not lose power, but it was still nasty. I slept periodically, constantly awakened by loud claps of thunder. Our bed is against an outside wall of the house, so every now and then, the thunder would be so much that the bed would shake. I am not kidding. At one point, the thunder clap was so much that the smoke alarm went off twice. To say it's unsettling to attempt to sleep while all of this is going on is an understatement. We kept waiting for Luke to wake up screaming, but somehow, he did not. However, when he woke up at an unprecedented 8 o'clock (we're lucky to make it until 6:30), I asked him if he heard the thunder last night, and he looked at my wide-eyed, grabbed my arm, then put his head on my shoulder. Yeah, I know how you feel, kiddo! So, apparently he did hear it and slept just as poorly as we did, but is somehow braver than I and was able to stay in his crib alone.

I had a hair appointment this morning, and I expected to see tree branches everywhere, judging from the sound of the wind. I did not realize quite how much rain we received, until I had to make three separate detours due to flooding. The worst of it was just down the street from our house, where a large wetland/swamp area is located. Now, the name wetland would lead you to believe that obviously it floods easily, and you would be correct in this belief. I have not, however, seen it flooded this badly. Usually, I'll have to detour in the morning, then I'll be just fine to drive through in the afternoon. This morning, though, there was a car stuck in the middle of it, with a very confused looking man standing next to said car. Seriously, I have two rules about driving through water on the road: If you can't see the road and/or if it's moving quickly, it's not worth chancing it! As it was very clearly both today, I've no idea why this man thought it a fun idea to take his small Pontiac through the water, but he did not make it very far.

When I came home with my story of uber-flooding, Shane dismissed me, reminding me that that area always floods and that it'd be receeded by this afternoon. Unfortuntaly, I missed my opportunity to make a WINNING BET, instead just telling him that we should take our bikes down there after Luke woke up from his nap.

I told Shane to pretend like he was diving in, and as you can see, I would've easily won the bet.

There's a road here, somewhere...

See? Fast moving. Not for cars!


Suffice to say, I think we definitely don't have to worry about a drought.