Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thumbs Down

Because some people do not enjoy reading about dumb ways I injure myself, I'm going to present this post in bullet points. It'll be like a Choose Your Own Adventure story, where if you are like my friend Kristin and you're absolutely terrified by sharp objects, you probably don't want to read this post. Instead, I'll suggest that you adventure over to Design Mom's site, where you can read an edited version of Tommy's birth story and reminisce about how my last medical mishap had a much happier ending.

For everyone else, journey on:

  • Luke slept in Wed morning, and I thought, "Should I have another cup of coffee or should I bake?" I chose baking. BAD IDEA.
  • I very successfully made a beautiful pie crust, and then moved on to cutting apples. I came across a Pampered Chef Apple Wedger which Shane had never even opened.
  • I wedge one apple and also when they say it's an ingenious tool, they mean, WILL MAIM YOU, as I cut my thumb along with the apple.
  • It's such a sharp blade that the cut doesn't actually hurt. At first, I think,oh, that's not too bad, then realize a flap of skin is hanging off of my thumb and it's bleeding rather profusely.
  • RUH ROH
  • I grab paper towel and apply pressure, then call my mom who says she will come over and take me to urgent care
  • While waiting and bleeding everywhere, I email Beth, Steph, and Sarah and ask them to please keep emailing me so that I do not FREAK OUT.
  • I grab one of Julie's cloth napkins because the paper towel is soaked with blood and wonder if I should remove the paper towel. My mom who is very squeamish yells at me for even considering removing it.
  • My mom got to my house even faster than the night Tommy was born. I must've sounded much more anxious on the phone, though my dad claims that the night Tommy was born, she was driving too slow even though he told her to hurry.
  • The lovely people at urgent care first refuse to treat me, even though my hand is covered in blood because I do not have a photo ID on me. They make me go upstairs to the clinic where I've gone before, and thankfully, they have a photo copy of my license. Oddly, while they refuse to treat me in urgent care without a photo ID, upstairs they have no problem handing me a photocopy of my license and my insurance card with my SS# written across the top. It's a good thing I'm me and not just someone who looks remotely like me.
  • meanwhile I am still dripping blood.
  • They check me in and go through my file, asking rather inane questions like, "You have no religion listed, would you like to update that?" and then say they can't see me without a $40 copay.
  • My mom pays it, while snarkily saying, "Do you need to see MY ID?"
  • The woman says, Oh no, we let anyone pay us! I consider punching her in the face, but I know she is just doing her job, and also, my hand hurts.
  • Meanwhile I am wondering how many H1N1 germs Luke and Tommy are inhaling
  • We sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes. At one point, I start to cry.
  • Then I get this email from a friend about the ID issue:
    "So, if you were in a car accident and your car started on fire and you were burned over 50% of your body and your driver's license started on fire they'd be like "SORRY, BITCH." We can't treat you.
    I ain't never seen them ask for an id on ER or Grey's. SHIT."
  • After reading it, I start laughing but then think that if I'm laughing, they might think my thumb is okay and make me wait longer, so I loudly say OUCH MY THUMB, and hope they'll think I'm delirious. There is no one else in the waiting room, thankfully.
  • Finally, they call me back. First they ask me fun questions like, "Do you have a family history of diabetes?" and "When was your last period?" I'm starting to get histrionic and am thinking things like, "I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WALK AROUND WITH A HOLE IN MY THUMB FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN MY LAST PERIOD WAS, OH GOD WHY MEEEEEEEE."
  • The nurse takes off the cloth napkin, then starts to rip away the paper towel while I am all OW OW CHUNK OF SKIN.
  • They remove the paper towel and say, Oh, wow. Because they thought I was a big fat liar when I first walked in covered in blood.
  • I am bleeding everywhere, like more than I ever thought possible.
  • No one asks me if this makes me woozy. It doesn't, but a lot of people are freaked by blood so it amazed me that they were like, here, apply pressure, and just left me alone for large blocks of time.
  • the Dr finally comes in and gives me a ring block of shots, in which they ring your thumb with numbing shots. Shots in your thumb hurt, but not as bad as having a baby. I tell him this and he hits me in the arm that is attached to my busted thumb and laughs. I like him. He also asks if the blood makes me feel faint. Two points for the doctor!
  • The nurse comes in and irrigates it with saline. She uses an entire bottle and it is still bleeding heavily. She then gives me more gauze, says apply pressure and leaves.
  • First I take a picture because I know I will want to harass Shane with it later.
  • I wait for a very long time, still thinking about H1N1 germs and how Luke and Tommy are probably hungry and how I left the house wearing this because I couldn't figure out how to change clothes while keeping pressure on my thumb:
    sexy
    But at least I wasn't naked for THIS medical mishap.
  • the Dr comes back in, removes the gauze and says, Wasn't there skin attached? I look at a large, gaping hole in my thumb, look at the gauze and say, Oh. It came off. It's right there.
  • He laughs and says, sweetie, you aren't getting stitches today. I consider asking if I can keep the piece of my thumb just to be a weirdo, but I don't.
  • Then he leaves, and while I wait a million minutes for the nurse to return, I wrap my thumb piece up in the gauze so it can have a proper funeral shroud.
  • She puts this foam gel stuff in the wound which should help it, but I'm still bleeding profusely. She removes and replaces gauze three times because I keep bleeding before another nurse comes in with super clotting powder. The nurses and I discuss all the various things I can make Shane do for me since he will be, quite literally, under my thumb.
  • I leave and Luke is disappointed that the doctor did not give me a sucker. I kind of am too.
  • TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER, THE END. (except for the part where I have to change the dressing every day and oh, internet, I will spare you what that is like but I will just say GULP.)

33 comments:

Cameron said...

I will never be able to use my Pampered Chef apple wedger again without thinking of you and those pajamas. :)

Emily said...

I heart my Pampered Chef wedger, but now I am going to have to be more careful with it. I'm quite accident prone myself, but I have managed to use my wedger almost every day without maming myself. And I too will think of those pajamas. ;)

Adventures In Babywearing said...

You poor thing. I hope you're feeling better!

Steph

Kristin said...

ok, because i have this need to know how you are/what's going on in your life, etc, i did trudge past the warning and actually made it through the whole post! ;p much cringing and whimpering later, i have to say you handled that way better than i would have. seriously, who refuses treatment because you don't have an id on you?? and wtf about the religion question? yes, by all means take the time to ask if i'd like to share my religion while i'm bleeding profusely all over the place. who knows, by the time you get around to doing something about it, it may indeed become a relevant question. (the "OUCH MY THUMB" made me laugh though. i can totally see you doing that!)

remind me not to injure myself there. i'm not sure how much faith i have in your urgent care. ;p (luckily, the absurdity of the rest of the situation seems to have curtailed the freakout over the rest of the details. ;p still trying not to think about the missing chunk of skin and gaping hole though. eeeeee!!!! :(

Bacardi Mama said...

OMG you poor thing. I'm going to have to be more careful with my apple wedger. Hope your thumb is feeling better and heals quickly.

Haley said...

I too own one of those wedgers... I'm thinking I will be super careful from now on.

Not that this was quite as serious...but I totally mamed my thumb last week while I was doing my once a month cooking...the culprit was a cheese grater.

Oh, and then I stabbed my other thumb while cutting carrots.

But, I've never had a baby on the stairs while naked...so you still win....for now ;-)

pinkflipflops said...

I was very sympathetic and thinking oh god that is awful, then I saw the pajamas and busted up laughing.. :) That really does suck.. I hate urgent care.

Mommy Mo said...

Wasn't the child safety lock ON?!!!! Some kitchen tools were never meant to be made, especially if they have the capacity to maim you.

I'm glad you are OK, even though you had to suffer through a bunch of stupid questions and way too much time waiting to see a doctor. Stupid doctors.

I am assuming you have since taken full advantage of the situation and are "resting"?

InTheFastLane said...

Nice PJs! :)
Seriously, I LOVE that apple wedger, but I always make sure the kids are far away and that I have all my fingers up and out of the way when I use it, because I have imagined wedging a finger in the process. Hope it feels better soon!

Jen K. said...

Ouch!! Sounds painful. But I did get a little chuckle over your outfit. Probably not what you planned to be wearing out and about but sometimes that's just life :) Hope it gets better soon!

~Mendie~ said...

Yikes! That was not a good start to the holiday...but at least you didn't need stitches!

corrin said...

There weren't even any pictures and I cringed. Milk it for all it's worth!

~love said...

oh my word...you're killing me. during times like these i'm always wondering how in the crap i got myself here!! hope it heals quickly!

Leah said...

ERIN! OMG, how is it feeling now????

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

Yike. I love those Jammies though Sexy.

anymommy said...

Yeah, I feel a little queasy, but I still love you.

Molly said...

Is it weird that all I can think is "that sounds awesome!" I'm like weirdly intrigued by gorey stuff. Then again I was an EMT and we had to watch a really nice long awesome video on "how to deliver a baby"

also, pajamas? Awesome. I'm surprised they made you show ID with that smokin tanktop!

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh those jammies, lol! I basically throw whatever on to go to bed and this makes me think of the clean underwear thing your mom always told you in case you were in an accident. Now I must go buy all matching, cute pajamas, lol!

fritzfacts said...

I told my mom about how vicious the apple peelers from Pampered Chef are when she was peeling potatoes on Thursday. She wanted to use it, but I had JUST heard about your thumb, and my mom is accident prone. So no.

I hope your thumb feels better, and that Shane is doing all kinds of stuff!!

Becca @ Our Crazy Boys said...

I have injured myself on a few Pampered Chef products, as well. I now have 9 full fingerprints instead of 10 because of the slicer. I lost a chunk of another finger with the apple corer/slicer.

Needless to say, I have been banned from any more Pampered Chef parties. :-(

I LOVE your pajamas, though! At least you went in style!

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

First, I am shocked, SHOCKED that you had clothes on . GOOD FOR YOU!

Second, for the record, I have used the apple wedger something like 42,102 time and never once cut myself. so you know, STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

And finally...I heart you. So much.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I am writing down on a post it note and putting it in my journal right now: "Never use Pampered Chef Apple Wedger," first and second, "Make sure I have my license, blood type, social security number and a letter from God at all times in case I have to go to the ER for anything. Anything at all.

Good grief...glad you are OK otherwise!

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

I'm totally not squeamish with blood or anything blood-like... but I was getting faint reading your story. I had to laugh at the H1N1 interjections because I was thinking the whole time, "Is Erin there with her 2 little guys and all those germs?" Yes, I am a frantic germophobe (I can't even spell it 'cuz germs freak me out so badly). When Audrey was a very little girl (maybe I've already told you this... but hey, you almost cut your thumb off here, so you'll understand!)... my Mom was watching Audrey in our kitchen and I was upstairs doing laundry when I heard the loudest thump sound. I knew the sound was a trap door slamming that went into our cellar... but it was supposed to be closed. My heart stopped because I didn't hear a sound. I honestly thought Audrey had been hit on the head or I would have heard her crying. I ran down the stairs to find Audrey standing next to the trap door... and there was my Mom holding up the bloodiest hand I will ever, ever see, saying, "I think I cut off my finger." Well, she DID. My Mom had leaned on the trap door that was supposed to be closed to protect Audrey from getting near it and it slammed down, catching her hand and slicing off the tops of her thumb and forefinger as it hit the floor. She was in shock. Barry was playing tennis with a doctor who lived a few houses from us and I ran to get him. The doctor called the police/rescue and came running over with us. He immediately sprung into action with my Mom and the ambulance was there in like 10 seconds. Then the doctor said these words... "Where are the fingers?" I almost fainted. I had to open the trap door to find the fingers. ERIN... AM I MAKING YOU SICK!!?? Anyway, there they were... and I had to pick them up with a plastic bag and put them in another plastic bag filled with ice. I rushed to the hospital with my Mom... the doctor called ahead so they were expecting us... and a surgeon sewed those fingers right back on. That was about 30 years ago, and my Mom has complete feeling and use of both her thumb and forefinger. And oh... I was cooking homemade spaghetti sauce that day... and I couldn't eat sauce again for years. I can now! Do you hate me for telling you all of this!!?? I AM HOPING FOR A SUPER SPEEDY RECOVERY FOR YOU!!!

Stephanie said...

Oh dear - your poor thumb! And what a crazy ER experience! I've gone to the ER several times over the years for my asthma and was always SO annoyed that I had to wait FOREVER when I COULDN'T BREATHE! Grrr... Hope your thumb feels better soon!

Hey, maybe you can learn to type one handed. My husband laughs at me, cuz I'm pretty good at typing with one hand while nursing my son ;)

Kate said...

I love the outfit. Reminds me of what I got engaged in...pink yoga pants, oversized sweater, no bra. Comfort should always come first!

Krista said...

Ouch! Hope it heals quickly at least. This reminds me why I don't cook much. I'm too clutzy and doing so could be dangerous.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Oh my word, that's like the only PC product I don't own. I want to bitchslap the people at the clinic for you. *hugs*

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