Today is grey, cold, and rainy. The weather was the same eight years ago. I remember going to Shane's house, and then I went to work. Oh, how I wish I hadn't gone to work that night. I almost called off, too. I remember just feeling off and thinking that I wanted to stay home. Maybe it shouldn't be sunny today, at least not for me.
I feel okay. Parts of my heart feel heavy, I'm quietly lost in too many thoughts, but parts feel light. Today I am wearing the new dress I bought this weekend. I felt silly buying a new dress with only six weeks of pregnancy left to go, but I'm glad I did. Today I am touching my belly more than I normally do, because it's a reminder of how far I've come. Because when I was 19, I was told that I might not be able to have children, and I swore that I would kill him if he took that from me. Instead, today I have this reminder of all that he didn't take from me.
I saw my midwife on Monday and had an ultrasound to check on the location of my placenta. Thankfully, it has moved up where it should be. Baby is head down and repeatedly kicked the ultrasound wand off my stomach. What I loved about this ultrasound was how much more the baby looked like a baby. I saw chubby cheeks and a round nose, both of which I can't wait to kiss. We still don't know what is between the legs, though I have to admit that it was hard to not have her look! Shane and I have a little bet going on because he thinks the tech let a pronoun slip, but I disagree.
I lost a pound since my last appointment, putting my total weight gained at 9 pounds. At this point with Luke, I'd gained 30 pounds. I'm thinking the difference may be all the fruit cravings this time versus the bacon cheeseburger cravings last time! My midwife is not at all concerned by the slow weight gain, as the baby is measuring only a tiny bit smaller than Luke was at this point. She said that it didn't mean I'd have a tiny baby, it just meant that I'd walk out of this skinny. I won't argue with that! Still, because I lost a pound instead of gaining, I had ice cream and pizza for dinner. In that order.
We went over my birth plan, and it made it all the more real that I'll be having this baby soon. I can't believe it! I love having the baby all to myself right now, and I'm sad to see that end... but I also can't wait to share him/her with the world.
Today I am celebrating the joy in the sadness. In sadness, I found love and joy from all of your words yesterday, and I am carrying all of it in a heart that I thought couldn't possibly grow any more. There is so much light. Tomorrow is June 4th. It's another year behind me, and there is only, always light to be found in that.