Tuesday, April 20, 2010

She's Losing It

And in the first moment of her waking up
She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it
When the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up
She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it
She goes to the mirror to put on her stuff
She knows she's losing it, oh yeah she's losing it

Belle & Sebastian

Truth:
Sometimes I feel a lot like I'm losing it. I'm so torn. I don't want to leave my boys, and yet, sometimes I so badly want a break. I want to treasure every moment in the evening, but I also find myself wishing that I had more time after bedtime to clean and shower and then relax, instead of cleaning, showering, and collapsing into bed. I kick myself for losing my cool and raising my voice with my students because they are, after all, just 8th graders. And then I go home and kick myself for raising my voice with my toddler, because he is, after all, just a toddler. No matter where I am, I feel like I just can't get it right.
I want to be patient and kind when waiting in a long line at CVS, yet I also want to sigh impatiently because I just want to buy my milk storage bags and my bag of peanut butter M&Ms and GO HOME. But then, I also want to turn around and shush the woman behind me who IS sighing loudly and muttering under her breath, because sighing loudly is not going to make the line move any faster.
I want to be absolutely outraged at the state of public education right now, but also, I want (or maybe need) to leave work AT WORK and just not think about it if I don't have to think about it. I also want to tell you about a moment last week that changed me as a teacher and a person, but I can't really.
I want to do and be everything for everyone, but then, I also just want to sit on my couch and just BE.
I want to write something meaningful and witty and poignant in this little white box, but also, I just can't dig deep enough to get there.
Most of the time, I feel so happy and so content, but then sometimes I feel like something is missing. I don't know what that something is. I hope I can find it.

I honestly just don't think I've ever been so tired in my entire life.

33 comments:

Brianna said...

Oh, friend. Lose it all you want. You have so many who love you and who will help you find it again. Sending a really big hug.

Bri

Melissa said...

We're all allowed to lose it every now and then.

I hope you're able to get some rest soon! I got several hours of uninterrupted sleep last night and I feel like a brand new person!!

Erin said...

Erin, I am praying for you. I know you're tired and that really wears on you. I pray that God will give you strength and peace! Hugs to you!

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

You're allowed to lose it every now and then. The best of us do. We are human and things irritate us. I yelled at my son cause he didn't wanna go bowling, and forced him to go. I mean it's bowling. He sucks at it, but was it worth yelling? Probably not. We understand what you're going through. Go to bed early, tomorrow's a brand new day, full of no mistakes. Enjoy it. :) God bless.

Kaycee said...

Oh my could I have written almost this exact post if I had a blog. I ended up in the ER by ambulance last week - I guess my body was kicking my butt and explaining to me in not so subtle terms that I can't do everything. Not that being away from school helped, being gone is generally harder than being there. How to keep up and keep healthy AND keep sane? I just don't know.

You are not alone. Hang in there.

InTheFastLane said...

I am sooooo with you on this one right now. Work and home have been kicking my physical and emotional butts lately.

Mommy Mo said...

Ditto. I get so tired of being....tired. Hugs.

Elaine A. said...

I hear you girl and I'm here for you too, if you need. Big, huge hugs to you.

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

I will pray for you, I understand how you feel. I had one of those days today when Ian was being extra cling and cranky.

pendy said...

Oh, I remember those bone-tired days.

Take a minute to read this; think you'll like it (and it's short!).

http://shaungroves.com/2010/04/mommy-versus-three-toed-sloth/

Bacardi Mama said...

We all lose it every now and then. It's what keeps us sane. Don't beat yourself up over it. It will pass and you'll fine. I promise. The fresh air, exercise and friends on Saturday will help too.

kristin said...

i want to know about the moment. email me. unless you just don't want to talk about it at all. that's ok too.

anymommy said...

Yes. Exhausted and torn. I know those feelings. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing so much and you are doing it so well.

Haley Quarles said...

Me too.

BTW, I've been lost for sometime...but I seem to be getting by just fine.

Sometimes you just have to let go. I hope you feel better soon.

Stephanie said...

Oh Erin! Hang in there, sweet momma... I think we all have those moments as moms, but we don't always admit them because we feel like failures if we say we're losing it as moms. But, believe me when I say I've been there (wait...I'm still there...) I hope you are feeling more rested today and that your day at school goes well - thinking of you today!

Heather said...

I think spring brings this feeling of angst. It seems like every blog I read speaks of it. Like this tension, exactly as you described it. Even if you feel joyful in life, there's just something you can't put your finger on that's bothering you. I'm feeling it too. Maybe just that human feeling, that feeling that we're not made to be here, like the eternity in our hearts is calling out loudly or something.

That was terribly philosophical-ish, theological-ish. Forgive me if it was a little much-ish.

Heather of the EO said...

Oh crap. That's me, Heather. I keep logging in all wrong and stuff.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

You need a break. A big long nap. And you'll know when you've had enough and need to get back.

I know just how you feel. This morning I snapped and told Gray he can't talk to me. I can't take the voices. There's already too many in my head to begin with.

I think we're all losing it and basically life is about doing our best to look like we aren't.

Steph

lauren. said...

i felt like this when i was teaching, & i didn't even have kids, so i can't imagine what you must be going through.

[& i love your heart even more now, knowing that you teach 8th grade. that was my grade of choice while i was teaching, & those precious tweeners so still have my heart.]

there is no easy answer, & sometimes yhwh just wants us to learn to allow him to give us the balance we need. you are in my prayers.

Mimi's Toes said...

You have a right to be tired. You have a lot on your plate. Don't be hard on yourself cause we all lose it every now and then. You have a big support system and I know you will find IT again. This too shall pass.

~Mendie~ said...

Hugs Erin...I know just how you feel about not having enough time just to be. And I don't even have all love at home to juggle along with work. I am leaving this afternoon for training for a few days, and I'm actually considering it kind of a vacation where I can just chill in the hotel with myself in the evening. Sad but true!

Just know you are not alone, but I'll pray you see some light soon!

Stillmary said...

Sleep deprivation makes everything harder and I'm suspecting you're still getting up during the night?
And expecting yourself to be a Superhero all the time makes everything harder. I think you're a Superhero but you're human too. And, that's a good thing.
Things will get better but in the meantime you're in my prayers that you find that 'center' that you seek.

followingtheroad said...

I know just what you're talking about. It's a struggle to be all of things you WANT to be when you are dealing with all of the things you NEED to be.

Life is complicated. Take a nap, eat some cookies and you'll feel better.

Kassandra said...

I am tired of being tired too. And even worse, I'm tired of pretending that I'm NOT tired! I guess the best thing about feeling like I'm loosing it is finding out that I'm not alone in feeling that way. I hope you're feeling that way too now - that you are so not alone, that it's ok to loose it now and then, and that you have great people around you to help you through it all. Hoping that things get better for you soon!

Sara Joy said...

((hugs))
I'm sorry Erin, I think the other commenters are so right that we all get there.
And somehow, we keep going.
You have so much on your plate, it really is no wonder, and your great big heart means you care so much about all of it that of course it gets to you.
You have no idea how bad I want to hire you a cleaning service and then send you to a hotel for 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
So. Bad.

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

Your last sentence says it all. Everything in your brain just bumps into each other all day long and all night long. The "should do's" are the things that get you the most, too. These thoughts linger and tug and pull and leap over all the wonderful things you DO do. I'd love to tell you to sit in the sun and energize while the boys romp around you... and to FEEL what it is to be rejuvenated, if only for a few minutes at a time. I think summer vacation will give you the calm you need. xo

Leah said...

Erin, I love you. I cannot imagine how tired you must feel sometimes - teaching is tiring - and mother on top of it? I can only imagine....

I hope you can sneak some time in to lie on your couch, eat a cupcake, and just BE.

I cannot wait to see you soon as in I AM SO SOOOOO EXCITED.

Melissa said...

BIG HUGS!

I don't even work and I woke up so exhausted and overwhelmed I have been near tears all day. We all get that way. But someday our kids will be grown and sleeping through the night and we will know we did well, it's just hard waiting for that point!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

We all lose it from time to time....I lose it more often that I'd like to admit. I really hope you can find time to rest soon!

keli @ kidnapped by suburbia said...

You do need a break. Superhero's need breaks, too. Let Shane take the boys out for b'fast or something this weekend and sleep in. And don't feel guilty about it.

You do SO much to provide for your family, and you can't fully take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself. I know, I know - that's so cliche and overused, but it's very very true.

We ALL do it. Every single mom in the world spreads herself too thin in one way or another - I don't understand why we do it to ourselves, but we're totally allowed to give ourselves a freaking break every once in a while.

xoxo

nora said...

Your post resonnated with me so much I have come back to read it several times during my school day (on my 7 min. passing period breaks.) And it is so close to how I feel right now. Thanks!

Minivan Mom said...

I understand. Teaching and parenting is so damn hard. I never get a break from the neediness. I always have to be a mature role model. It's hard. Hugs.

Chrystal said...

Erin, I could have written this post. Except instead of yelling at 8th graders, I am yelling at 5th graders. And instead of a toddler and a 9 month old, I have an 8 month old and I'm yelling at my husband!

The end is in sight. The school year is almost over. Testing is almost over! And then you'll have 2 wonderful months with the boys!