You know that moment when you don't want something, you really, really don't want something? But wait, maybe you do kind of want it. Or maybe you don't. Your heart can't decide.
That moment when a pregnancy announcement sends you into a full blown ugly cry, when you choke out, "She's having a third, but I don't think I'll ever have a third and that's okay because we can't afford it and we don't have space and I don't know why I'm crying except that maybe I want a baby."
But I don't. I don't. My phone rings every night at 8 to remind me to run and take my pill and run, I do, because I don't want a baby. And I want to keep running and run further and faster, I don't want to be slowed down by a pregnancy, derailed by a postpartum period. I almost like my body now and I don't want to lose it. I almost get to sleep some nights and I don't want to lose that, I definitely don't. The thought of sleepless nights, months of sleepless nights, scares me. The thought of a newborn with a toddler who doesn't ever sleep past five makes me cry in a different way.
And yet, the thought of little baby toes, of bringing new life into this world, of feeling the kicks and movements and twists and turns in a growing belly, of holding a new sweet freshness to my skin, nursing, kissing, loving. Oh, I ache, deep down in the place where those bitter tears start and I confess that if anyone asks when we're having a third in conjunction with this announcement, I will not react well, no, I will not.
I knew when I wanted a first baby and when I wanted a second. I know I'm blessed that it all worked out and fell into place just perfectly, just as we planned. I know I am so blessed. I just never knew about the twisting, turning heart aching confusion that would come after that, that I would one night rock my youngest and cry tears into his still damp hair that he might be my youngest always.
I tell people that we won't have another baby soon. Probably not at all. I laugh like it's okay and mostly it is, but for these tears.
Linking with Heather of the EO's Just Write
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32 comments:
Wait. Is it who I think it is?!
Either way, I get this. I really do. And it sucks.
Ditto. To add to my confusion, J is determined not to have any more. So. In a way, that make it easier. Sort of. Maybe. Not really.
Tears for you now, because I know. 100%.
Oh, I love these words, and even given where I'm at in life, I can still relate to them.
my third was completely unplanned. Well, so was my first and second...
But, knowing and really "knowing" are two different things. And I still mourn the end of babies in my house, even, while at the same time, being satisfied with where we are.
Hugs and tears for you.
I'm convinced that until we are in menopause (at least HOPEFULLY by then) we won't ever be able to get rid of that teeny tiny glimmer of hope and want of another baby.
Steph
I.KNOW. We finally decided last year that we DO want to add to our family, only it's not quite working out that way. :(
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had a tubal because I know that I'm done and I know that I can't afford another, but now and then it makes me a bit sad. There is something so amazing about creating life and brand new babies and all that, but our family is complete and for the most part, I'm pretty good with that.
Oh I am so there with you. Or the struggle to want kids and be trying for a third (or whatever) and to keep seeing that red sign every 28 days. Tears, oh yes, tears.
So tough! I feel for you on so many levels! We did have the conversation for a third and ended up finding out we were pregnant one week before I ran my first half marathon. Same as you, I was finally happy with my body and proud of what I was doing with my running. If you do make a decision to have another you will get back into your "running shape" and maybe even easier than this time around! Now with a 5 month old I still hear a small voice hinting at another, although I know how impossible that would be (finances, time, space, etc.). It just stinks that there is such a small window in our lives to have babies...it goes too quickly!
I completely get this.
My son just turned 3 and everyone is down my throat about baby #2...and everyone around me is on baby #2.
People don't realize how hard the postpartum period was for me. In fact it practically made up our minds for subsequent pregnancies.
While I would more than love another child, I know that right now, I'm complete with what I have.
Still hurts...
But my heart is full
I am going through this same thing! A friend just delivered her fourth child. My husband and I have had the debate over a third. All of the hours of talk and reasoning and logic went straight out the window this morning when I saw a picture of my friend's child. She is beautiful. I know we'll probably never have a third, but seeing that small beautiful miracle makes me ache for another. It's the craziest thing.
I know that feeling, those bitter, bitter tears. My husband says he is done, our 2 boys are enough. Another chid pulls at my heart in a way I ever knew was possible. I pray that the desire, need for another hid fades. 5 years I've been praying...
(((((()))))
I! Completely! Understand!
I have two, and have always wanted 3. Now that I have my two, I have thought that was enough - they are now 7 (8 on Monday) and 6, and I still wonder...but no! I feel your pain! Cry away - all mothers are entitled, as the decision to continue or end is never an easy one.
I am totally an alarm on the phone to take my pill sort of person too, I so get that.
This is so so tough.(and beautifully written) I also understand the longing. My daughter (one kiddo) is 3.5 years old now - people ask us when #2 is coming all.the.time. People really shouldn't ask these questions. You never know what someone is thinking, going through or struggling with. You never know what tears you might cause them later even though they smile and laugh and have a ready answer.
what an honest and great post. You will know when you are ready for another.
xoxo
Aarean
colorissue.blogspot.com
p.s. I'm doing a fun Kate Spade giveaway I think you might like :-)
I know how it feels. I always thought I would have three. Then realized I was never going to have three. I still feel that way...wishing my youngest would stay little forever. I still snuggle her and wish for time to stand still. And she's already seven now. :P
oh erin. i love your posts because it's like talking to you in person and you share in all honesty. that's what we need. i'm thankful God gave us tears.
So yeah, I wrote about this too, a while back. Only I have six kids and people pretty much think I'm crazy. I'm somewhere between knowing we are likely done and wondering if I'll ever know that is where we are, if that makes any sense at all. This is a really great post.
From my experience when you're done having kids you just KNOW. When you're not done having them then these conflicting feelings come into play.
Great post - it expresses lots of feelings I'm not allowed to post on my blog. I'm really sad about not another belly baby. We got to where we are so, so, so quickly, I would like to do it just once more and enjoy all of it. Enjoy me. Maybe that's selfish. Maybe its not.
It really IS confusing. I think we're okay with another one, but when, if, how will I know I'm ready? But, when that day comes when I really know, I mean REALLY know we're done...how will I feel? Will I cry, will I feel a peace, will I still feel a longing? Because I know, right now, watching my son grow up so fast...makes me want to either slow down time or add another newborn to our home. I just don't know either.
oh my, yes. we mothers are so confused by knowing and still wanting and not knowing and not wanting but wanting. I get it.
I wasn't really ready or wanting for Elsie...and then there were two pink lines and then a pink ultrasound and now she's here and of course I'm sleep-deprived and it's so so hard but of course it's as if she was never NOT here and...yeah.
Maybe next time you could catch your own baby in your car or something. You should really keep it exciting like that. :)
Yes, I get this. I totally and completely get this. You wrote this so wonderfully!
I still have baby pings once a while but I'm 100% certain that we are done already. Hugs, my friend!
I can completely relate. I was just mentioning the exact same feeling to a friend of mine. My heart wants a third baby and my head know that it is not the right thing to do (age, money, space, time). I love my two boys and my husband and the life we have created together. My life is very full and I am very happy. However, there are times, when I hear of someone having another child and my heart aches to be pregnant again.
Although, this I do wonder, if we were to have a third child, would that be enough. Would the longing remain? Well, I guess I will never know because we will never have a third child.
Oh, this is so well-written, and I can relate completely! As the mother of two boys, I always longed for that girl. No guarantees though! My husband has always been done after our second. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm okay with being done-my youngest is about to turn 6! It's hard, but with time it gets easier. Hang in there.
I know how you feel, our third was a surprise, and he's 4 months old now, and alllllmost all of me is like, "YES! I'm DONE with newborn FOREVER!" because I just barely escaped PPD this time, and struggled so much post-partum (this time and with my first), and yet there is this very tiny (for now, I'm sure it will get worse later) part of me that wonders if I really don't want another... :) But I don't. And this is the first time in our marriage that I have cared if our birth control actually works, always before I've been like, "Whatever, so we get pregnant, okay!" :) It's a weird feeling. :) Now that I've written a book...anyhow, I feel for you & thanks for such an honest post - definitely identify with it. :)
You write so beautifully, thanks for sharing. I hope you find your answer, whatever it is, and find peace with it.
A lot of perfectly good decisions involve significant sadness. Longing for another child--whenever, however, and if ever you choose to pursue that longing--is a deep and beautiful pain that has no easy resolution.
It's not to be treated lightly, and I love that you acknowledge it, both in your heart and through these beautiful words.
Beautiful and raw. I get you so much. And I think I agree with Steph that until menopause hits, we will always pine for another, even when we know we are/should be done. My husband had a vasectomy after #3 and I felt peace about it--even though 4 would have been my dream. But our house is perfect for 3 and I can't imagine having to be a working mama to 4...3 has been hard enough. Yet sometimes I find myself praying, asking God, wondering. There are so many benefits to being out of the pregnancy/infant years...yet I still miss them!
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