You know that moment when you don't want something, you really, really don't want something? But wait, maybe you do kind of want it. Or maybe you don't. Your heart can't decide.
That moment when a pregnancy announcement sends you into a full blown ugly cry, when you choke out, "She's having a third, but I don't think I'll ever have a third and that's okay because we can't afford it and we don't have space and I don't know why I'm crying except that maybe I want a baby."
But I don't. I don't. My phone rings every night at 8 to remind me to run and take my pill and run, I do, because I don't want a baby. And I want to keep running and run further and faster, I don't want to be slowed down by a pregnancy, derailed by a postpartum period. I almost like my body now and I don't want to lose it. I almost get to sleep some nights and I don't want to lose that, I definitely don't. The thought of sleepless nights, months of sleepless nights, scares me. The thought of a newborn with a toddler who doesn't ever sleep past five makes me cry in a different way.
And yet, the thought of little baby toes, of bringing new life into this world, of feeling the kicks and movements and twists and turns in a growing belly, of holding a new sweet freshness to my skin, nursing, kissing, loving. Oh, I ache, deep down in the place where those bitter tears start and I confess that if anyone asks when we're having a third in conjunction with this announcement, I will not react well, no, I will not.
I knew when I wanted a first baby and when I wanted a second. I know I'm blessed that it all worked out and fell into place just perfectly, just as we planned. I know I am so blessed. I just never knew about the twisting, turning heart aching confusion that would come after that, that I would one night rock my youngest and cry tears into his still damp hair that he might be my youngest always.
I tell people that we won't have another baby soon. Probably not at all. I laugh like it's okay and mostly it is, but for these tears.
Linking with Heather of the EO's Just Write