Refresh

For so long, I came here and fidgeted at my blog, like it was a pair of pants that fit just a little too tight. It didn’t feel right, so I’d hit refresh and it still didn’t fit right, so I’d click the X and close out of it.

Then I put on my big girl pants, the ones that have an elastic waist band so they’re never too tight, and I confessed all that’d been bothering me lately. And you came out and supported me, in more ways than I could have imagined. Then I lost someone I loved and was overwhelmed by the support I received. So maybe today, it fits a little better.

I wish I could tell you that I lived this weekend with joy and thankfulness, but I didn’t. I lived this weekend with grief and regret. Saturday was really hard, much harder than I thought it would be. I cried a lot. I was angry far too often, at all the people I shouldn’t have been. Losing not one, but two women in less than ten months to breast cancer was more than my mind and heart could handle. Sunday, I was tired and short, my eyes were raw. It wasn’t until Sunday afternoon that I finally got it together and packed an entire weekend’s play into Sunday afternoon hoping that it’d make up for the cloudiness that hung over our weekend. I don’t know if it did, but it lifted my heart. It also made me regret not being able to lift my heart sooner.

And now, typing this up before work begins, I miss my boys. They're getting so big these days. Yesterday, Luke and I had a very real, grown up conversation where he said he'd remember that he's not the boss, and I said I'd remember to not get frustrated when he forgets. Then he told me that Grammy never yells or puts him in time outs, and I told him that when I was a little girl, Grammy yelled at me sometimes. His eyes got big and he said, REALLY? Why? I said that sometimes I forgot that I wasn't boss and he said, Just like me! Then we sniffled away our tears, hugged, and went downstairs to color. And Tommy. He's getting to be so big and communicates so well. Last week, he threw a fit when I tried to carry him out of the sitter's, because he wanted to walk. Now he walks all the time. Gone are the days of the little baby that only wanted to be in my arms. It's so amazing to watch them shoot toward independence.

I don't regret mourning this weekend. I needed this time to mourn, but I regret not finding more time for joy.