Rattling

I have so many thoughts rattling around in my brain today. Thoughts that keep me awake in the middle night, worrying over all things big and small and wondering if those worries will ever go away. Thoughts that are much less deep and involve me really, REALLY wanting chocolate chip cookies but not wanting to make them. Thoughts that are strange and out of nowhere, like how I keep remembering this one time when I was in college, the health clinic gave me anti-nausea medicine after a horrible bout with the stomach flu. They neglected to tell me that it could cause hallucinations, until after I mentioned that the door was moving--like the wood finish on the door was rippling as it was an ocean. I don't know what made me think of that today, but I keep remembering how I waved my fingers in front of my face and could see trails following them and how I kept slurring my words and then apologizing and explaining that I was going to be an English teacher and could really speak well, just not at that moment. I don't know what made me think of that today, but it was kind of a funny moment in my life.

I keep thinking, too, how thankful I am to have today off. Not just because of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr and all the good he did for this world, but selfishly because I feel like I lost all day Saturday to a migraine. I've been seeing a new chiropractor and while he's done amazing things to help my headaches, since they're hormonal, he can't totally make them go away. It was most definitely less intense than they used to be and it was also a month apart from my last one, which is amazing... but still, migraines are hard and after twelve hours with no relief, I threw in the towel and climbed into bed. Tommy, of course, wanted to follow me, so I laid down with him, thinking he'd nurse for a few minutes and then wander off. Except that he did the one thing he's never done, the thing I've been trying to get him to do practically since the day he was born (Luke would still sleep with us, but Tommy never was able... it was the one thing I really looked forward to when he was born!). He fell asleep after just a minute of nursing. He'd already napped and we were so close to bedtime, but who was I to interrupt this blessing? I snapped a picture, then curled up around him and slept.

I woke up to Shane tiptoeing into the room and sliding his hand on Tommy to reassure himself of the rise and fall of Tommy's chest. I do this every night and have since his seizures. I didn't know that Shane did, too. I smiled at him and whispered that he was fine, just sleepy (which is not something that Tommy is, ever) and that my head still hurt. Then I drifted back to sleep. Eventually Tommy woke up and Shane took him, so I could continue to sleep and attempt to get rid of my migraine. I'm so glad, though, for that time curled around his warm body, feeling his hair tickle my face and my brain just keeps rattling back to that--how even though I was so miserable and in pain, it was so, so good.