Summer Mornings [a haiku]

sunshine streaming through
his hair sparkling and soft as
we nurse, nowhere to go.

I'm joining in some haiku fun with Steph. I love haikus. And Steph.

NahNah

Tommy has started to say and repeat one or two syllable words/phrases. He's been saying mama and dada for awhile, of course, and he's said "night night" for about a month now. He just started saying "nanana" for banana and has some other Tommyisms. He's also started to repeat no, which I realize is life's little way of saying "WELCOME TO THE TODDLER YEARS."
Only he says "nah nah" instead of no, and it is SO CUTE that I sometimes don't mind it when he does something he shouldn't, just to hear him say it.
Except that my little Tommy is so much like his mama that Nah Nah comes with a full on attitude. So, when I say, "Tommy, no. Don't eat grass."

"Nah nah? What do you MEAN, I can't eat grass?"

And now, I've offended his delicate, sensitive soul, the little lip starts to quiver, his face scrunches up, and oh, THE POUT that would make any diva proud.

This kid. I'm in for it, aren't I?

Monday, Monday

Normally I loathe Mondays. During the school year, it means a return to routine, five more days away from my boys. But during the summer? Monday is just another fun day.

Today is especially fun, because Tommy and I are road trippin' it to visit two of our best friends (one of whom is moving closer to us in ONE!WEEK!). This week is going to be a long one, with a memorial service on Saturday for someone who left this Earth just a little too soon.
But today? Today is going to be a sunny Monday, I can feel it. I hope it is for you, too.

.Five.

In five years, I've changed from the woman who said, "I do" on that beautiful June day. I remember on our honeymoon, talking about going back on our five year anniversary. The musings of a young 20-something with no children.

Today, instead, we're going to Chicago for sushi. Nothing big, but somehow perfect. We've never had a wedding anniversary where I haven't been pregnant or nursing (hey, it's been a busy five years), so we've never really been able to get away. But that's okay. We've been working on building a family, based on the vows we took five years ago.

We used to slow dance in the kitchen. Now we dance fast, with two children. We used to surprise each other with little treats. Now we come back from the store with coloring books or bouncy balls. We used to see new movies in the theatre. Now we wait until they hit Netflix. We used to go out for sushi every Friday night. Now we look for restaurants with crayons and outdoor seating. We used to sleep in Saturday mornings. Now we're woken up early and head to the park or the farmer's market.

Life has changed so much, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Today I gave Shane a card that said, "Grow old with me. The best is yet to be." With all the best we've already received, I can't help but believe that the card is true.

Low Rider

I often try to figure out ways to cheat the system, so when I took this photo of Luke (in Salem, MA) demonstrating what happens when the tide starts to transition from high tide to low tide. I was all, "Hey, the water is going down low, this counts!"

And it does, except that two days later, I actually did get down low (on my tummy, in the grass) to snap a series of photos of the three boys that I love more than anything in this whole wide world.

In A Year

One year ago, I dipped my feet in the cool water of Lake Michigan. It was so hard to see my feet, but I loved the view blocking my vision.

A year later, I dipped my feet in the salty water of Beverly Harbor. It was still hard to see my feet, but the view, even better than I ever could have imagined.


(p.s. Those sunglasses? That is the THIRD pair that I have bought from Target. I left them in the rental car in Philadelphia. Looks like I'll be purchasing my fourth pair. God forbid they ever stop making those exact sunglasses.)

Blue Skies

Before Tommy came along, I knew I wanted more children. I must confess, though, that after Tommy? I'm not so sure. Tommy has not been the easiest baby. He doesn't like to sleep. He has enough energy for twelve babies. He's a mama's boy, which can be flattering but can also be overwhelming. Some days I jokingly ask Tommy if he's aiming to be the youngest child, but sometimes, I'm not entirely sure if I'm joking.

Until he gives me a big toothy smile like this, and how could I not help but want a million more little boys just like him?!

Hopewell, NJ

Click

I've been trying to learn how to use my camera. Understanding settings, shooting on manual, and sometimes I won't have my camera and I'll feel sad about not getting the best photo.

But then? I realize that it's not the camera, but the MOMENT. And this, taken on a fast-moving carousel in the dark with my phone was the most perfect moment I could ever hope to capture.



Campbell's Field

This Face

Has been in my life for almost one full year.



I am so lucky.

Journey On

Some times in life, it can be scary to let go, to step into uncertainty.

But oh, the beauty of it and the happiness

once you find the courage to let go and trust that even if you fall, it'll be okay.

Fun {in and out of the sun}

This week has been so much fun--a seriously great start to summer.

Do you remember those Hi & Lois (I think?) comics where the baby would find the spot of sun on the floor and say hi to Mr. Sunbeam? Tommy did that the other day. He focused in on this patch of sun and just sat there wiggling his toes and laughing, like it was all the fun he needed.

The next day, there wasn't any sun to be had, but we still had fun going to the park...

And watching big brother cross the bridge, wanting so much to run after him.

Oh, and did I mention the fun we had just being with each other, smiling and playing?

The Livin' Is Easy

Somehow I had my rose-colored glasses on and thought all the stress would leave my life when I stepped out of school at 11:57 yesterday morning. Some of it did, to be sure, but some of it remained.

Then I woke up today and it was raining. Rain. On my first full day of summer vacation; it just didn't seem fair. But then I remembered that if I didn't have a good day, it was no one's fault but my own. And so, we had a good day.

{Yes, I know his shoes are on the wrong feet. Our mantra lately is "choose your battles."}

We crossed the bridge and I said, "What do you think we'll see, Luke?" He said, "Maybe a crocodile!"
But first, I said, "Look at this pretty flower," and he said, "Actually, that's a daisy."

Then he told me what all these letters were and I thought, "When did you get so big?"

And then, we did see a crocodile, but I was assured, "It isn't real, mom, look."

We left for lunch and shared secrets with friends. Then we came home, where two boys took unprecedented naps.

Welcome, Summer 2010. You're going to be good to us.

Inside My Head

I emailed Maggie my story for VU way back in January, a week before I met the loveliness that she is in person. When she emailed me the last week in May to tell me it was my turn to go up next week, I told her the significance of June 3. She said we'd put it up then. It wasn't planned like that, although I imagine many people thought it was. Instead it was one of those serendipitous moments where life feels right, in the midst of so much wrong, telling me that it was time to tell my story.

I am so glad I did. The support that I received in the form of comments--over SEVENTY of them--just blows me away. It was like seventy hugs, seventy bouquets of flowers, seventy people telling me that it was okay. That it wasn't my fault. That? Is priceless. THANK YOU.

Still, I couldn't say it out loud. It was on the tip of my tongue multiple times to say to Shane, "remember..." but I couldn't. And when he found my cork and asked what was nine years ago, I couldn't say it to him. I just said, "Oh. Don't worry about it." And then I seethed. Not because he didn't remember, but because I was JEALOUS that he didn't remember. Jealous that it was just another day to him. Jealous that I will likely never be able to feel anything other than panic and sadness when I flip the calendar to June. I want to tell him. I want to remind him what it means to me, to us, but I can't. Instead, I just kissed him on the cheek and said, "Thank you for being so good to me." I think that's enough for now.

Once at a candlelight vigil, I told my story. It was only four months afterward, so I told it through choking sobs [today, exactly nine years later, the sobs still choke sometimes].

Afterward, a girl came up to me and told me her story. She told me that she'd never told anyone before, not a single soul, even though her story was years old. She said I gave her courage because if I could talk, so could she. We clung to each other, sobbing tears on a stranger's shirt.

I don't know her name. We never saw each other again, but I haven't forgotten her.

She is why I refuse to be silent.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I didn't get to take many pictures this week, but I managed to snag this pretty photo of the bunch of flowers that I bought at the farmer's market this weekend. I love how the daisy is poking up, like "Hey, look at me!"

And also? I took this on manual which means I get to kind of pretend that I know how to work a camera, so this is definitely my best shot.

Handy

Even though they have a weird vein that becomes too prominent when I'm hot, I love my hands. My nails are nice and long. When I'm not being lazy, they also have a nice shape (which means they rarely have a nice shape). My fingers are long and thin, which can be frustrating if I'm trying to find a generic ring that fits. But mostly, I love that my fingers are the way they are, because they're a part of my hands.

They've held hands and patted backs and stroked hair. They've hugged too hard and caught falls. They've balled themselves into fist out of anger and have spread to blow kisses. They've clapped and wiped away tears. They've played the trumpet and skipped stones. And once, in their grandest hour, they caught a baby.

This week, I love my hands. What do you love?

Sprinkled

This weekend was so very good to us. We spent the entire weekend together, as a family. We went to the farmer's market and ran into my parents. We spent time at Shane's parents' house, with Luke and Tommy's cousins.

We also received some very sad news this weekend. While the weekend was beautiful in every way, it also involved goodbyes... and that's never a good thing. With the goodbyes came the reminder to HOLD TIGHT, to say I LOVE YOU, to treasure EVERY MOMENT because you just never know how quickly it might be gone.

And so, we did.


p.s. Tommy started taking STEPS. Where did this year go!?