Two Birds

The other day, Luke's sitter was asking me about my "friend who takes photos." I commented on how I wish I'd known her when Luke was a baby, and his sitter reacted with a surprise. She said she thought I'd known her forever. I laughed and had to stop and think after I said that no, I'd only known her for a little over a year.
I stopped because I said it, and thought, No. That's not right. Only that long? Because it feels like SO long, in a good way. A really, really good way. Like, "Wow, I've been stumbling around this world for all this time without Beth in my life? That was REALLY DUMB OF ME."

Two weeks ago, Shane bought me this pillow for Valentine's Day.

I fell in deep, instant love with it. One, because it is so me. But also because the two birds in the nest made me instantly think of Beth and her two little birds. Oh, and the words. What greater wish could I have for Beth than for HOPE to be perched on her soul, for all of time?

I didn't know Beth two years ago, when she lost James and Jake. I remember when I first started reading her, I was impressed by her humor, in the face of grief, by the way she was so open and raw with her feelings, sometimes making me want to laugh and cry in the span of a minute. I thought she must be one of the strongest people ever. I thought she must be one of the funniest people ever.
Now I know that she's one the strongest people I have ever been blessed to have in my life. I'd tell you she's the funniest person I know, but I know me. And well, I'm pretty much the most hilarious person ever. But next to me, she's the funniest person I know.

A month or so before Tommy was born, Beth and I decided that she would be at the birth. I was so excited of course, to have a personal photographer there, but also just to have Beth there. Because I imagined laboring with Beth by my side would be, well, funny (see above). But also meaningful and something I'd never forget. A few weeks before Tommy was born, she emailed me to tell me that she hadn't been at a birth since James and Jake, and that she just wanted to let me know that, that she didn't know how it'd effect her. I remember telling her that if she felt overwhelmed at any moment, she could leave the room. Or I would make Shane leave and get us milkshakes. And I meant it. Even in the midst of my labor, I feel like I still would've done whatever I could have to make Beth feel comfortable, because I love her just that much.
As you know, Beth didn't make Tommy's birth, but she was the first person I spoke to on the phone after he was born (and 7 hours later, our first visitor). It was almost 2AM, and I told her all the details, until the nurse made me get off the phone. My dad took this photo, and I love it because I am smiling at something Beth is saying, possibly at her making fun of me for being naked.

Even though I still get a little pouty sometimes that Beth couldn't be at Tommy's birth, after he was born, I started doing a lot of reading on babies born in the caul, like Tommy. One thing that I came across is that in Scotland, they believe the babies born in the caul are marked by the angels, that they're given special watch by angels. And I know that if anyone needed a special watch by angels, it was Tommy and me the night he was born. I know that Tommy knew James and Jake before he was born, and I know that as they sent him rocketing into my arms, they made it a little extra special.

Since he was born, Tommy has been on the move. He's restless and active and he does not want to sleep. Not at night, not during the day, not ever. Except that there are two people who can almost always get him to settle and to drift off to sleep. Beth and her husband, Brian. It's amazing. He might fight and fuss, but then, he just gives in. He relaxes. He softens. His little body molds into theirs, and he SLEEPS. In ways that he just won't for anyone else, and I think he knows who they are. He remembers that two little birds told him to give love to everyone he meets, but that there were two people who needed just a little extra love.

You Capture: Shapes

I really love You Capture because it makes me pay attention in ways that I might not otherwise. I love this first shot of my birthday boy in the ball pit, but the main reason I happened to be standing there was because I was thinking, "Hmm...balls are circles....circles are shapes!"

And this one... I love the fun shapes that the pom poms make.

I took this one at my parents' house. I love the shape of the sun flare and the way the tree makes a Y.

And finally, the most delicious shape of all, the shape of a Cadbury Cream Egg. Before taking this picture, I never noticed the shapes the cream eggs have on the side. Mostly because I shove them in my mouth without really looking at them, but thanks to You Capture, this one was taken two seconds before I shoved the rest in my mouth.

Real

I was typing up this post about something cute that Luke does every night, and then I stopped. Not because I don't want to share the cuteness, but because I just couldn't. Not right now.

Instead I want to tell you that three is hard. For most of his twos, we scoffed at the whole terrible two phase. We didn't see any of that. Not even really after his little brother was born. But then he got close to three, and I started hearing the phrase "three-nager," and I GOT IT. Oh, did I get it. Maybe a little too much, because sometimes I hear about other three year olds. About the cute things they do, of course, never the THREE things they do, and I start to think that maybe my child is flawed. Maybe I'm a bad mother. Maybe I'm spoiling him or being too hard on him or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a parent. All of these things go through my head, and you know, maybe they go through yours.

So, I'm going to be real. My child is love and sweet and light. Some times. But then there are times when my child defies me. When he flat out refuses to do what I ask him. When I have to put him in time out to keep from pushing him out the front door and pretending he's not mine. Once he picked up the word "dammit" and decided to scream it over and over. In the middle of a crowded restaurant. He wouldn't stop, until I carried him out of the restaurant with my hand clapped over his mouth. A walk of shame, in which I imagined everyone looking at Tommy and thinking, "Oh my. They bred AGAIN?" And at these times, I look at Tommy and think about how he's sweet all the time, but someday, he'll be THREE.
Sometimes Luke is too rough with Tommy. Often it's unintentional and just the result of a three year old loving too much, but there are times when it is intentional. Once at the park, he pushed Ivy. He gets shy at first in social settings and will try to mask his shyness by doing something crazy, like headbutting me. He doesn't do this all the time, but there are times when Tommy falls asleep in the car, and Luke will raise his voice to try and wake Tommy.

There is so much that he does RIGHT, but when he does wrong, I blame myself. I never think that he's a normal three year old, I wonder what I'm doing wrong. Maybe you have a three year old like mine, and so, I hope you read this and realize that no one has a perfect child. (Or if everyone does have a perfect child, please don't tell me.) And in a few days, I'll share the cute because it is OH SO CUTE, but for right now? I'm feeling good about admitting that sometimes, the cute is seriously lacking and I'm frantically wondering if there are gypsies in Indiana and whether or not they would like to buy my child.

Birthday Bash

Luke's third birthday was wonderful and joyful and oh yeah, did I mention exhausting? In a good way, but oh my goodness, am I tired.

We celebrated here on his actual birthday, and they did an amazing job (with the exception of one very rude employee I encountered at the end of the party). I could not have been happier with how very special they made his special day.

His party started out in the water room, and then moved on to the block room, where Noah totally kicked butt at a game of Red Light, Green Light (while Gray and Ellie built a lego tower in the midst of it all).

My favorite part, though, was in the art room where everyone decorated a page in a birthday book for Luke. Isn't that so special?

After this, we went to the ball room, where the kids all had a loud, sweaty time, followed by Luke's birthday parade to the party room.

Everyone ate pizza and cupcakes, and my birthday boy proved that he eats cupcakes just like his mama.

Luke opened presents, and he was so into that I hardly had time to snap a photo. As you can see, all of the excitement was too much for Tommy.

We stayed and played at Bellaboo's until almost 3, when Luke hit the overtired wall, but what a great day. I'm so thankful and blessed to have so many beautiful friends who helped us to celebrate!

The next morning, we woke up bright and early and went to Shane's parents' house, where Shane's dad had prepared a birthday pancake breakfast for Luke. Luke got to open more gifts, plus play with his cousin Piper. There were so many blessings in my weekend, the biggest of all being my birthday boy.

1094 Days

Dear Luke,

On the eve of your birthday, I can't help but think about your birthday eve three years ago. As you grow older, I'm sure you'll hear about the way your brother was born. Probably more than you'd like, and so I want you to know that your birth is just as special to me. Your birth made me a mom, your birth made us a family.

From the moment my water broke three years ago, I knew my life was going to change. I just didn't know how good it'd be. I didn't know that I'd stare at you for hours, marveling at how I made you.

Watching you sleep... When you were a newborn, I kept a nightlight on all night, and I would lie next to you and watch you sleep, as only a new mother can. I still love to watch you sleep.

And loving the faces you made.

Three years later, I love you more than I ever thought possible. I love the person you've become, and I love being your mommy--even on the difficult days. Sometimes I'm not as patient with you as I should be. I hope you'll forgive me for that. Three is harder than brand new, but we're both learning together.
What I have learned is that you are beautiful and compassionate and so very thoughtful. How you hug your friends goodbye at your sitter's and say, "I wish I could play more, but it's time to go home." How you love the water so much that you must be part fish. How when you're excited, you cannot hide it.

How you love your baby brother so much that we just can't keep you away. How the day he was born, you came charging into the hospital room, brushing right past us, saying, "I want to hold MY baby!"

The way you love him is beautiful. Just like the way we love you. Tomorrow we'll celebrate your birthday with friends and family at your favorite place to play. I can't wait to see what three brings.

Love. Always.

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine

I am affectionate. Overly so. I touch and hug and kiss and LOVE. I even kiss inanimate objects, like this most delicious chocolate milk.

I promise you've never had better chocolate milk.

Mostly, though, I love to kiss my boys. Unfortunately, this one has decided that he's TOO BIG for kisses most of the time, so when I asked him for one, he ran away giggling.

And this one is so distracted that instead of letting me kiss him, he kept looking at the camera.

Apparently the beeping of the self-timer is much more interesting than my kisses.

Until finally, he grabbed my hair and went in for the most slobbery kiss ever. I love it.

But even though this one hates to have his picture taken, he never turns down my kisses.

You Capture: Kisses

The Difference {A Year Makes}

Belly: Smaller
Heart: Larger

Snow Day

Today is our second snow day. I have to admit that snow days are not as exciting as when I was a kid, because now I know that we have to make them up at the end of the year. So although the days with the boys are nice now, I would much rather have them at the park in June. Plus I am supposed to be having a test review today and a test tomorrow so I can start a new unit next week, but obviously THAT isn't happening.

But last night, as I was going to bed, I couldn't help but think about the last time we had snow days in February. Three years ago. I was nine months pregnant, ready to start my maternity leave on February 15th (my due date), except that I ended up starting it sooner than anticipated because the 13th and 14th were snow days. Knowing that I was hugely pregnant (no, really. I looked nothing like I did at 40 weeks with Tommy), we received so many phone calls of neighbors offering to loan us 4WD vehicles should I go into labor during the snow or people encouraging us to please call an ambulance if labor started instead of trying to drive. I remember laughing both off, saying that I would happily deliver the baby myself in a snow drift. But of course, Luke was four days overdue, the roads were clear, and in typical Erin fashion, no one thought to worry about me making it to the hospital in time in JULY. Anyway, because I'm old school, I wrote on Live Journal back then, so I journeyed back to February 13th and saw that I'd written this with regard to everyone being worried about the snow and labor:
"This is all a non-issue, really, because I do not think I'm going into labor tonight. I also think that if I did, we'd make it to the hospital somehow. And if we didn't, we'd have one of those neat stories about Shane delivering the baby in the back of my car. So you see, it's a win-win situation."
Aww, if this were a story about my life, we could call that DRAMATIC IRONY.

At that time, Shane and I were on the cusp of parenthood, just waiting. Those two days were so good for us. We played Yahtzee for hours. We giggled and made fun of each other and ate chili cheese dogs and root beer floats for dinner. We did our best to induce labor and had fun trying. When we could finally leave the house, we went to the mall to walk and when some woman asked if I was having twins, Shane told me that she must be blind (she wasn't--I had a nine pound baby and extra fluid). So then we came home and I forced Shane to walk through knee high snow with me. I took a photo of our footprints.

It was the last time we'd make that walk just the two of us. My water broke the next day and that day stretched into night and then morning and then into the afternoon when, suddenly, we were three.

Snow days now are different. Although I wouldn't trade them for the world, I am so thankful we had those two snow days three years ago, those two last days to celebrate being ourselves, before we had the best celebration of all.

An Open Letter To The Fine People At International Delight

I am a huge fan of your products. In fact, your coffee creamer is all I buy. I don't drink my coffee with sugar, but there is nothing better than coffee with flavored creamer, in my esteemed opinion. Now, I believe that variety is the spice of life, so when I run out of one flavor of creamer, I usually buy a different flavor the next time.

You should also know that I'm a huge fan of cupcakes. So when I went to the grocery store and saw your new Sweet Buttercream creamer, I couldn't get it in my cart fast enough. I was so excited that I actually came home, opened it up, and tasted some without coffee. It was beautiful. And then I added it to my coffee, and well, as you can see, it was love at first sip.



Until I noticed that pesky gold label. You know, the one that says Limited Edition. I went to your website, and it says that LE flavors are usually around for two months. Two months! International Delight, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? It scared me so much that next time I was at the store, I bought three bottles because I am crazyobsessiveawesome like that. These last few weeks, I've fallen deeply, madly in love with Sweet Buttercream. Sometimes when I really love a food (like cupcakes), I imagine a scenario in which I am trapped inside a room full of that food and have no chocie but to eat my way out. My latest scenario involves swimming in a sea of Sweet Buttercream, and I swoon with love at the thought of this. And the feeling is mutual. The other day I came home from work to find Sweet Buttercream waiting with a very important question.

I said yes, OF COURSE, and now Sweet Buttercream and I are happily planning our upcoming nuptials, and I've promised it that I will never cheat and buy another flavor again. Except for the whole thing where it's going to be gone in TWO MONTHS. Maybe even less. International Delight, you cannot do this to me. It will be tragic on a Romeo and Juliet level. So please, I beg you to reconsider. For the sake of the love between myself and Sweet Buttercream. And because, look: Tommy's already bonded with his new daddy.


This is not a paid review. International Delight has no idea that I'm even writing this and will probably take out a restraining order if they ever do read it. But I would gratefully accept payment in the form of a warehouse full of Sweet Buttercream.

Today

Is her birthday. Beth is basically my wife. Or maybe I'm her wife, I'm not quite sure how it works. Regardless, I've told you before how when we go out to eat, we share food. Except for Friday night when I ate my lasagna so fast that I'm pretty sure she didn't get a bite. She did, however, move my dessert into the range of her fork, so don't worry. I take care of my wife. We've seen each other in various states of undress thanks to mishaps (note to Beth: knock on the bathroom door first!). She's one of the only people who can get Tommy to SLEEP, which makes me wish that we were real wives. She was our first visitor after Tommy was born, even beating grandparents to the hospital. She brought me 6 donuts and still tells people how disturbingly fast I ate them. She makes me laugh over email, and when we're together, I feel like I always have a smile on my face. She lets me feel her belly for as long as I want (which is something a REALLY LONG TIME), and did you know that aside from my own babies, I've only ever felt two babies kick in utero? I love that Beth's is one of them.
Today being her birthday reminds me what a gift it is to have her in my life and how very blessed I am for knowing her. Won't you go wish her a happy birthday?

Overheard

Shane to Tommy: I thought for sure you were going to be a girl, but I'm so glad I got my Tommy. (And yes, those are THE stairs.)

You Capture: Faces

As the mom of two boys with dimples, I really thought I'd be sharing smiling faces. And yet, both of my boys have these old soul, serious faces that I just love.



This isn't a serious face, but rather, an old man who has lost his dentures.

And one of me. I snapped this on one accident, trying to get a shot of my makeup for the post I did the other day. It's a different angle, but kind of fun.


You Capture: Faces

Centered

A hundred and one years ago, I blogged a photo of my very pregnant self on a balance beam and talked about how my balance felt so precarious. In real, literal life, I suck at balance. The Wii Fit board mocks me because I have no center of balance. Shane mocks me because I often walk into walls and tables and things that have not moved once in the five years I've lived in this house, yet I still manage to bang my shins on them daily.
In real, figuratively speaking life, I also suck at balance. It took me months to find balance as a mom of two kids. And then I finally found it, and we'd happily get up and eat breakfast and clean the house and just be together. Except that I found that balance roughly two minutes before I had to go work, and so, life kicked me off the balance beam, and I found myself face down in the dirt. Possibly crying.

To say the first two weeks back have been disastrous would be an understatement. Luke has had a really difficult time with the adjustment, much more difficult than I ever would have imagined. He's thrown temper tantrums, he's had sleep issues, he's spent countless minutes begging me to not go back to work--breaking my heart in the process. But we're getting there. Each day gets a little better.

Sunday night, I had a cleaning related meltdown. All week, the house got messier and messier and I kept thinking, I'll clean on the weekend, wanting to spend as much time as possible with the boys. Too tired to even think of cleaning. It's so hard because 8th graders take so much of my energy, and then I come home to two more balls of energy, and how on earth am I supposed to fit in vacuuming!?
But then the weekend came, and I thought, But it's the weekend! I don't want to clean! And so, I found myself at 6pm on Sunday night in a complete fit because I needed to clean the house and fold three loads of laundry in the hour before bedtime. Unfortunately when I mention the thought of hiring someone to clean to Shane, he refuses to pay someone to do something we can do on our own. And yes, I've tried the time vs. money argument and gotten nowhere. Monday, I made myself a cleaning schedule, knowing that although my heart is not in it when I get home from work, that if I break up the cleaning throughout the week, it'll make the weekends a little easier.

I'm only on day two, but as I type this, I'm sitting in a clean house. There's a load of laundry in the dryer and another waiting to be folded and put away tomorrow. Something tells me that in a few days, I might wobble back off the balance beam, but for now, my heels are dug in and I'm holding on to that balance for as long as I can.

Not Us (But With Love)

I don't think I've talked much about the boys' sitter, but I should because I credit her with making my transition back to work that much easier. We are so very lucky to have her. She lives on our street. Really. We had no idea that she even ran an in-home daycare until Luke was born. A teacher at the school in our town recommended her, and we realized that she lived just down the street. Then Shane called her and over the phone told her that my sending breastmilk for Luke was non-negotiable, and she told him that was great, that she encourages breastfeeding. Then we went to her house to meet her, and her husband got down on the floor and played with Luke, and we were like, Oh. Okay, so this is the person that we can maybe trust to watch our child, even though that's such a huge scary thing. And we do. Sometimes it is still huge and scary, but we know that our boys are being taken care of, without a doubt.

On Tommy's first day, he was very out of sorts. He refused the bottle, he refused to even eat solids. She tried to sit Luke on her lap and have Luke feed Tommy, but he still refused. Finally, she took him downstairs where it was dark, rocked him until he was sleepy, held him like you'd hold a nursing baby, and finally, he drank the bottle. She didn't just put him down to cry himself to sleep. She didn't tell me that maybe I needed to switch him to bottlefeeding to make it easier for her. She loved him enough to work with what he needed. And when Luke first started staying with her, and I told her to please try her hardest to not waste bottles and to not feed him after 1 because pumping is something at which I am just not good, she listened and understood. And again with Tommy, so that instead of having a total panic attack every single day over feeding my baby, I am comforted that a bottle will never just be poured down the drain because he didn't drink it right away. Instead, I have this full compartment in the freezer.


So, she's not us. Of course, a little part of me will always be mad and sad that she gets to spend all these hours with my boys, that I PAY her for something I'd gladly do for free (although I should mention that she's such a bargain that we're not even paying double for two kids), and oh, did I mention that she's not us?
But then I look at this photo that I snapped on Halloween

And she's still NOT US, but every single part of me sees someone who loves my children and keeps them safe and happy until they can be with US, and I can probably never ever thank her enough for that.

Fast Paced Face

Since returning to work, I've perfected my makeup application to a slapped on job that looks like I spent the time. (My hair, however, is another story and basically reflects the lack of time spent.)
I own so much makeup and love to play with it, but I also have a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I set out my clothes the night before. I shower the night before. I do everything to make it so I can essentially roll out of bed and out the door within a ten minute time span.

In the week of returning to work, I've whittled down my routine so that I use a very limited number of products, yet allow for a little color variation depending on what I'm wearing. This is also great for traveling because it means packing a minimal amount of items, yet still having on a full face of makeup. And while I admire those of you don't wear any makeup, I'm just not that person.
Now I should add that when it comes to makeup, I do feel that costlier products do a better job--for a lot of reasons. I'm all for buying generic just about everything, but when it comes to something I'm going to put on my face... I've found that brands sold at cosmetic counters or at Sephora really DO work better than brands sold at Walgreen's. Because they are better quality, you do not have to use as much during an application, nor do they require much touch up during the day, so there is a balance. Also, BRUSHES ARE YOUR FRIENDS. Sponges are inferior for applying both eyeshadow and foundation. Not interested in spending a small fortune on brushes? Sonia Kashuk brand at Target is pretty good for the price. (Interested in spending a small fortune on brushes? Talk to me.) Also, for those of you who don't know, I have done a fair amount of wedding makeup, and if you go here, and click on the slideshow that says C'est Moi Salon, I did all the makeup for that shoot. So while I'm not formally trained, I do have a tiny bit of experience on which to fall back.

For my easy full face, I gather the following items:

Foundation
Bobbi Brown Shimmer Brick (I used Pink Quartz for this look, but any of them will suffice)
Bobbi Brown Pot Rouge
Chocolate Gel Eyeliner
Mascara
Also, a foundation brush, a cheek brush, two eyeshadow brushes, and a liner brush.

And start with a bare face, which I have decorated with hearts in an attempt to distract you from the bags under my eyes.

Just for fun, I timed myself. From start to finish, it takes three minutes to go from scary face... to a much more polished look. I like polished. So do my students, who would recoil in shock and horror if I walked in looking like that first photo. UNLESS I carry a frame of candy hearts around my head. Oh, and I really do not like full on face shots and so it was hard for me to not put a candy heart frame on this one, too. And actually, I think that this picture is a better representation of how my makeup looked because it's not such a harsh shot, but also it's only half my face because I'm not really good at taking photos of myself.
Edit: I have no idea why this photo is unavailable. The html is correct, the photo works through Flickr, and it worked earlier this morning. Sorry!

The best part of this is that so many of the items are multi-use. I used the shimmer brick for my cheeks and my eyes, using the darker brown strips for the lashline and the pink for a browbone highlight. The pot rouge was applied to both my lips and cheeks. I use a moisturizing foundation so I don't need to apply moisturizer. Bobbi Brown is great about making a lot of products that can fulfill two or more uses. Bobbi Brown did not pay me or give me anything for this, I just really like her products. But if she'd like to pay me and/or give me free products, I wouldn't turn that down.

I hope you learned something, if not just "Wow, Erin spends a lot of money on makeup." What are your makeup tips and secrets?