You know how sometimes a piece of rope will be so worn and stretched thin that all the fibers are escaping from the side and you think how can this rope possibnly hold any more weight, but some how it does? That's my heart right now.
On my plate today is making medical packets for our sitter and each set of grandparents to keep on hand, should Tommy have a seizure while with one of them. Also on my plate is trying not to call the sitter every hour. I haven't been apart from Tommy since this all began Monday evening, so leaving him to come to work today was harder by far than returning after either of my maternity leaves.
It's been a long weekend. Luke is having an emotionally difficult time with everything. Shane and I are, too. While we are still so unbelievably thankful for all of those normal test results, we still don't know what caused the seizures. Or if they'll happen again, so we spend all day hovering over Tommy, afraid to let him out of our sight. If he spaces off for even a second, we're saying his name and trying to get him to refocus.
It's hard. I'm so happy for my otherwise healthy baby, but I wonder when I'll ever be normal again? When I won't check on him all night long, when I won't worry at every strange movement or look or even things that he's done before that I now wonder whether or not they're normal. And right now, in every single way, I just want normal.