I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative. For the first time in my married life, I was happy to see the word NOT before the word pregnant. It's true. And I only allowed myself 2.5 seconds of happiness before the guilt set in; guilt at knowing how many women have to see that same result for years and years, when they'd wish for the opposite. How could I be so selfish, because of course I'd be happy with a baby (and at the least, it'd explain why my cycle is MIA), but yet, the realism at knowing that the timing just isn't right.
See, we place so many expectations on ourselves, on our thoughts and our reactions. And then the reactions of others, those that are quick to judge without really knowing where you're coming from. Without knowing that your 15 month old still wakes up at 4AM most mornings and how you miss your husband because you're so tired and how maybe you're just not ready to give up your body (and your wine) yet and how you haven't financially recovered from your last maternity leave so the thought of another one made you GULP.
It's okay, you know, to take things for granted sometimes. It's okay to complain and be selfish, too, because if we never had bad feelings or bad times or times when we just wanted things to ourselves, we wouldn't appreciate the good feelings and the good times and the times of selflessness quite so much. Is it okay to do it all the time? No, but not a one of us can be gracious ALL THE TIME and if you know someone you believe is, they're probably not. They're probably just afraid to say otherwise, for fear of how people might react.
Today I hope you'll allow yourself to be a little selfish. It's okay. You're worth it.