I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative. For the first time in my married life, I was happy to see the word NOT before the word pregnant. It's true. And I only allowed myself 2.5 seconds of happiness before the guilt set in; guilt at knowing how many women have to see that same result for years and years, when they'd wish for the opposite. How could I be so selfish, because of course I'd be happy with a baby (and at the least, it'd explain why my cycle is MIA), but yet, the realism at knowing that the timing just isn't right.
See, we place so many expectations on ourselves, on our thoughts and our reactions. And then the reactions of others, those that are quick to judge without really knowing where you're coming from. Without knowing that your 15 month old still wakes up at 4AM most mornings and how you miss your husband because you're so tired and how maybe you're just not ready to give up your body (and your wine) yet and how you haven't financially recovered from your last maternity leave so the thought of another one made you GULP.
It's okay, you know, to take things for granted sometimes. It's okay to complain and be selfish, too, because if we never had bad feelings or bad times or times when we just wanted things to ourselves, we wouldn't appreciate the good feelings and the good times and the times of selflessness quite so much. Is it okay to do it all the time? No, but not a one of us can be gracious ALL THE TIME and if you know someone you believe is, they're probably not. They're probably just afraid to say otherwise, for fear of how people might react.
Today I hope you'll allow yourself to be a little selfish. It's okay. You're worth it.
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19 comments:
Dude-- it so NOT SELFISH to not want another kid right now!! FOR REAL. Think of it this way-- it is way more responsible parenting to know what you can handle than to just rush into everything you can't.
You love your kids. You just don't need more (yet). Nothing selfish there.
PS- I ate 3 apples today and there are still a zillion left. Maybe you are having an apple baby?
Isn't it just so true though? You can want to not be pregnant right now, for any number of reasons, and that doesn't mean that you don't appreciate that other people DO want to be pregnant and may be struggling TO be pregnant. It's that same thing we talked about with going back to work over the summer, just because we are sad to do it doesn't mean that we don't appreciate not everyone gets summers with their kids. It just means, like you said, that it's okay to complain sometimes. To be selfish, to try to plan what you think will work best for you and your family. To let go off all the guilt once in awhile and just feel how you feel with no strings attached.
that's how i'm feeling right now at the end of this pregnancy. i'm sooo ready to be done at 39 weeks, even though i love pregnancy (except for 1st trimester extreme sickness) and feel so blessed to be able to carry a baby. i feel guilty when i complain about "ready to be done," but like you said, we don't know each other's circumstances and why we are feeling the way we are. thanks for the reminder to be selfish and not quick to judge. :)
I took a negative pregnancy test the other week and I was 98% relieved and 2% sad. We are not ready for another one - we're looking at moving overseas and we're already a larger than average family in Europe. But I did feel selfish - like I didn't want to go through that again. I didn't want to be sick, be tired, get fat, my business is growing and I'm not ready to give that up... maybe its selfish. But I also know that I would have been thrilled if it was positive. And loved that baby to pieces - as would you, I'm sure :-)
You go right ahead and feel a little selfish. Only you know what is right for your family and knowing that now isn't the time for another baby is just fine. I think we all worry far too much about what other people think. In the final analysis, it doesn't matter a damn what other people think. You and your family are your first priority and that is just how it should be. So, be selfish. It's okay!
Thank you, I'll take it. Jeff just got home (late again) but brought fancy cheese from the event he was at. I am about to indulge.
Steph
i took one today too. in the wee hours of the morning.. it was negative too and i breathed a sigh of relief and also had a little guilt.
I SO know what you mean..
it is GOOD to be honest with ourselves ... if I felt guilty every time I yelled at my kid or had a thought that the perfect mom wouldn't have, then I'd be a catholic, lol.
although baptists don't lack for feelings of guilt.
anyway, I bought some bottles today. how is that for selfish? I am looking forward to dumping a few pumped feedings into ken's lap. and soon.
What a refreshing post! I get tired of reading so many posts from other bloggers who make themselves sound so saintly while I feel like such a schmuck! You are NOT selfish, but even if you are, we deserve to be selfish at times!
This is good stuff. And you are a good friend.
I secretly ( not so secret now) took one Sunday morning.
gotta say, I shared your same thoughts. Every thing good happens in due time...
not my time yet.
:)
Julie0 ha...apple baby...
There is nothing selfish about feeling that way. It's just not the right time, and you were acknowledging that.
Oh man, I could rant a long while about this, but instead I'm just going to say I really agree with you. :-)
I totally get this. I do.
P.S. I am not sure if I sent a reply this morning, but thank you for the recipe.
I've had those moments as well. "positive negatives" I call them. As you said - not that I wouldn't LOVE another baby (in fact, I would love one more than anything right now), but the timing is so wrong. It is okay to be selfish every once and a while. As mothers, I think we don't allow ourselves that small concession nearly enough.
sometimes it is just ok to feel what you feel without worrying about others feelings.
And when I found out about #3 I had about a zillion mixed feelings. it is all about the timing, sometimes. And at one time, it will be the right time for you, or it won't. but it will be right either way.
Hi! I'm a new reader and I LOVED THIS POST. It was so honest and you are so right. My son is seven months and I would be lying if I said I was ready for another one! You can keep your wine for now and don't feel guilty about it! :)
Obviously you haven't missed your husband that much if you were taking a pregnancy test!;) Just saying! lol
You will know if and when you are ready to have another child. Yours are very young yet. Enjoy them.
Hugs
Marie
I hope and pray to see one with two lines or absent of "not", but I don't begrudge you for being happy to have a negative result.
It is sort of like what I said back to that anonymous person in the comments all those months ago - I choose to work and I don't need to feel guilty for saying that. It is what works best for our family right now. You don't need to feel guilty if you don't want to get pregnant every chance you get just because some of us don't have that opportunity. We all have to do what works best for our families.
~~My selfish confession is that if this post were about someone being unhappy or unsure about a surprise pregnancy, I'd choke back tears reading it. Mentally, I totally get why that happens sometimes and understand that does not mean that baby will be loved any less (I married a surprise) but my heart still hurts. I sometimes give in to the bitterness I try to stuff down. I'm working on it.
Thank you for this. Sometimes I feel guilty about saying it out loud, but I actively DON'T want another child.
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