Wake up. Desperately hope, wish, pray for a fog delay. Ice delay. Snow delay. Doesn't matter that it's May. Just hope. No such luck.
Nurse the baby. Watch the alarm clock, counting down the minutes--seconds--that you have left to spend in bed smelling his sweet head. Finally, resign yourself to the lack of ice in May and get out of bed. Slap on makeup. Pretend that your child is content playing on the floor and isn't really holding up his arms hoping you'll pick him up.
Stumble downstairs. Sigh in dismay when you realize that the cleaning fairies--yet again--did not visit your house overnight. Make a mental list of all that you have to do tonight, realizing that half of it won't get done. Try to sneak out of the house before the toddler wakes up, because as much as you want to see him, you know it's easier if you leave while they're asleep. Hear toddler. Happily hug him, knowing it makes it harder to leave. Give him jelly beans for breakfast because it's much easier to say yes than to start a temper tantrum before you have to leave. Those break your heart more than anything.
Drive away. Swallow the lump in your throat as both boys press themselves up against the door. Spend 50 minutes in a meeting. Think of all the cleaning you could be doing instead of sitting in a meeting. Wonder how your house is so messy when no one is in it all day long.
Work. Pump. Wonder how your pump can actually be louder than a jet engine. Work. Eat. Pump.
Drive as fast as you can to the sitter's. Pass the same guy in the black truck at the same spot you pass him every afternoon. Feel a little sad at the routine of your life. Try to beat the bus into the driveway, knowing that stopping for the bus delays you two precious minutes and time is short in the evenings. Beat the bus. Fist pump. Run inside. Smell toddler's head for a minute straight. Hate that you have to put toddler down because it makes him sad. You too. Finally convince toddler to get down and put on his shoes. Open arms to accept baby, who is now waylaid by the kids from the school bus who now wants to hug him. Consider pushing them out of the way because he is YOUR baby and you have missed him more. Grit teeth. Finally get baby in arms. Smell his head for a minute straight. Hate that both boys smell like the sitter's house.
Home. Nurse the baby. Wish he would nurse for longer instead of wanting to explore. Snacks for the toddler. Give in to him watching TV. Know that you'll spend the entire evening walking the balance between wanting to discipline and wanting to just let him do whatever because you miss him so damn much during the day. Play. Eat. Play. Baths. Nurse and rock the baby. Wish tomorrow was Saturday. Baby to bed, story time with toddler. Try not to rush it, but realize that it's almost 8 and you haven't showered yet. Shower. While showering, promise self that you'll clean the house. Get out. Give yourself ten minutes on the computer to try and unwind. Fall asleep sitting up. Give up. Look at the dirty house. Shrug. Go to bed.
Repeat.
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32 comments:
I was just talking to my friend who feels the same way. I wish all moms that want to stay home, could. Summer's coming soon. Few more weeks. You can do it. :)
i used to be an 8 grade teacher, too! i quit teaching almost two years ago to go to grad school full-time. i've been waiting tables to get by until i graduate. i work 20-hour weeks & make way more than i did while i was teaching [which involved something closer to 50-hour weeks].
i've gotten married since then & we are already talking babies. i graduate in december, but there is no way i can go back to teaching now. i miss those hormonally-challenged 8th graders like crazy, but i would much rather wait tables 20 hours a week & stay home with my babies the rest of the time than go back to teaching for less pay! [though, i admit, i'll be looking for jobs that involve stay-at-home writing/editing along the way.]
it was a scary leap to leave teaching in the first place, & everyone thought i was crazy, but i'm glad i made it. perhaps your should consider it. :)
I really want to tell you it gets easier girlfriend. That once they are past the snuggly/nursing/needy stage, once they are in elementary school, it gets easier.
Mine are 6,7 and 10. I'm still waiting for it to get easier.
I understand. And I'm right there with you.
YES.. this everyday. sucks. xoxo
awesome post. i feel this way as well. i've written many many a post on how bad i want to stay home.... then I realize, i just don't think i'm cut out for it.
we must be on the same wavelength regarding our toddlers.... discipline or let them go b/c you miss them so much? that really spoke to me. My 16 month old is a handful right now and it truly makes me angry when I'm home that I feel like i'm constantly telling him no no no. trying to be more patient.
I'm so tired of the routine and the lack of time too. Every day i pass a red work truck 15 minutes after i drop jc off, then i can tell if i'm on time if i pass the asian couple in the silver van at 6:45am.
I hear the sound of my pump more than i do my own child's laugh.
To know that I spend about 12 hours away from my house a day sickens me.
Your wash and repeat cycle is almost done for the summer and for that I am extremely excited for you.
If the cleaning fairies ever do stop for you, give them my address too.
Hmmm, I think you may be living my life. Change out the baby for a pregnancy and add in a sick toddler that I can't stay home with and snuggle b/c it's the last week of school and it sounds darn near identical....Thank God summer is almost here. At least I get to be a stay-at-home mom 2 1/2 months out of the year...I always try to tell myself it's better than nothing...not that that is terribly comforting... :( Hang in there!
P.S. You asked once what I teach. I'm teaching English at an alternative high school in southern MO. Very challenging, sometimes rewarding. I hate that I love it so much some days BECAUSE it takes me away from my baby.
P.P.S. Tried Bum Genius cloth diapers on my toddler...LOVE, LOVE them so much more than disposable. Can't wait to use them for the new baby in Aug. Thanks for the recommendation!
just wanted you to know that I read it and am praying for you. This is a very heartfelt post, and I can feel your emotions. Come quickly, Summer!
A.M.E.N.
Absolutely! I could nearly have written this post. Toss in a workload that for this year has meant I also either have to work when I get home or I have to work when she goes to bed (or both) and trying to maintain on less than 5 hours of sleep a night. I am sad that my toddler calls coloring "homework" so she can "work with Mommy". I only see her about once a month in the morning or less so I know what you mean about wanting to but that it makes it worse. Then there are days like today, work 10 hours and then go to graduation tonight and miss bedtime. My heart hurts.
We did not have nearly enough snow days and delays this year. But we never do. At least in the winter I had hope for it. May sucks. :)
The story of my life!
Only a couple more school days left....thank God for summers! :)
I wake up to the radio listening for the delays/cancellations also! I'm working through the summer, then taking my weeks off for maternity leave as school starts, unfortunately we haven't won the damn lottery yet so i'm just pushing through so I don't dwell on the fact that I have to go back to work!!! It's so freaking depressing!
I'm so sorry...how real you are in your writing. It's the most effective kind. Thank the Lord that you have summer to enjoy them...which I know doesn't make the "now" any easier, but I'm thankful that you have something to look forward to. Thinking of you, Erin.
Oh, this is good stuff. Not the struggles or the sad parts, but the lifey-ness of it.
So lifey.
Steph
Exactly, yes yes yes.
Only working moms can truly get this. I no longer feel bad for letting my daughter eat jellybeans for breakfast - I thought I might be the only one...some things just aren't worth the morning tantrum. :)
Hugs, thoughts and prayers from your "virtual friend" in Rome.
Wow, I couldn't do it. You are one strong women.
Hugs to you.
I can't imagine doing it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I only do it a few times a week and i hate hate hate it too.
And I totally get it.
Man oh man...I'm exhausted for you, but the end of school year is almost nearing. You ARE a superhero!
oh my goodness...you just captured my day(s) entirely! Just replace the toddler boy with a toddler girl! It's comforting to know that someone else goes through the same vicious cycle I do!
I totally get the smell like the sitter's house...makes me weepy almost every night.
I think it takes a lot more gumption to go to work than it does to be a SAHM. Your post really describes life! Thankfully for you (and me and all the other mommy-teachers) the summer is just around the corner. I know I live for those summer days with my boys.
Wow, I started out the night overwhelmed with all I have to do & how I feel like I just get nowhere with all I do at home every day, but you do so much more, I can't even imagine the overwhelmedness you must feel!!! Thank you for writing this & for sharing your struggles!
Love. Hugs. Sighs. Wishes that I could solve some of this.
Oh, Erin. There are no words. Well, maybe one word. Summer. And maybe one more word after that. School. You relived my life with your words. It got better, if not wonderful, when my kids were in school. Yes, the mornings were crazy and the afternoons were crazy and the homework and bedtime routine was crazy, but we were all in it together. When you switch from sadness and exhaustion to "it's the law - they HAVE to be in school"... the sadness goes away and maybe the exhaustion is still there, but it's different. I know you don't want to wish the time away... and you want to enjoy every, every moment... so for now think SUMMER with a capital S. (Barry and I also LOVED our daycare provider, but we put each of our kids in preschool as soon as we could and each of them LOVED school. It was difficult because we had extra "stops" on the way home, but it worked wonders for us.)
This hurts my heart, and I know yours too.
You are a wonderful mother, I hope this reality changes for you soon somehow.
This hurts, because it is so true. My daughter is 8 and I still miss her everyday while she is in school and I am at work.
I wish there was something we could all do...
I hear ya! I wish it got easier. I just keep telling myself, "someday". As a fellow educator, I don't think a day goes by that I don't wish for snow/ice. Except when the DC area got hit with two ridiculous storms in 1 week! 40+ inches of snow is no fun, especially when it didn't melt for over a month!
I love this post. Bittersweet. And the sweet part? Your boys know a Mom who works hard for them. Someday you'll look back on the routine of life with nostalgia.
I only leave for work for about 10 hours per day, and that is hard. I cannot imagine leaving for a full-time job. Big hugs to you, Erin.
i love you.
I hear you loud and clear! Sometimes I feel like we're living version of the movie "Groundhog's Day!"
I've been doing the working-mom gig for 8+ years now (without summer vacations). I'm not sure if it's getting easier or I'm learning how to deal with it better. Some days are definitely better than others!
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