I was going to write this funny post about how my husband is really 80 years old. I was. I had it all planned out. Except I'm just so burned out right now. For reasons that I can't talk about.
For reasons that I CAN talk about, I'm burned out because I miss my boys. Nine days out of ten, I've come to terms with being a work outside of the home mom. But when that one day out of ten rolls around, it's like a knife twisted in my heart. I miss them. I miss them with every core of my being. I miss their smells, their hugs, their kisses. I miss playdates and coloring and the frustration of missed naps. I have a hard time coming to terms with the sheer amount of energy I extend on 100 children each day, only to be so zapped that I have no energy left for my two. That I turn on the TV instead of reading a book to them just so I can fold clothes because I am so, so behind. Always behind.
I know this too shall pass, and I'll feel renewed again. I'll feel okay with leaving just as they're waking up, with not being the one to straighten up their sleep mussed hair and fight with naptimes, with having to say, "I'm sorry, Mommy can't pick you up right now. I have to leave." (I hate that one. Nothing is harder than turning down a sleepy child who just wants to be held, who is holding his hands up at you and saying "Pick me up!" because you have to leave.) I know it'll be summer soon, and I know if I don't say this, someone will comment and tell me that at least I have summer off with them. And I do. I'm lucky to have that, but you know what? That doesn't make TODAY any easier, it doesn't make today hurt any less sad.
Today I just want to go home and never come back.
24 comments:
Today can suck it.
Today can go jump off a pier.
Into a frozen lake.
You are allowed to feel crummy and have bad days. No apologizing and grateful mutterings allowed. It's a crappy day where the less than ideal situation is smacking you in the face.
I want to smack it back. Grrr.
I totally agree with Sara Joy, Today Can Suck It. Big Time.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
I think today is just a bad week. Let's burn it down.
(If I'm ever suspected of a crime, that burning comment will hanut me....shit....)
Oh Erin, I'm right there with you. Except I spend my energy on patients that don't care.
Leaving our babies sucks. It hurts and every day I think it is going to get better, but it doesn't.
I try to find the fun in adult conversations at work, but it still is only a little band-aid. It doesn't hold for very long.
I am hoping that it gets easier for you. (and me) As far as today, sarah joy has it right, today can suck it.
love you long time.
I hate that feeling. I know it and I hate it. I want to leave today and stop worrying about other people's kids just to spend a day with my own. Bah.
I agree with Sara Joy - it's ok to feel crummy sometimes, because we all have those days. And we need to let it out so we don't explode and so tomorrow can be a new day. Hoping tomorrow is a little brighter and sunnier for you!
I hear you. And the work drama, I am sure, does not make today any easier. That was kinda how my whole last year felt.
Today, although work was fine, leaving the house was so hard when JJ tried to convince me that I needed to stay home with him and make cakes, after all, it was my birthday.
Yeah! What Sara Joy said!
Love you, lovely friend.
Bri
You know I understand this. Every word.
And what now? Did you say some sort of disclaimer about summer? I refuse to even acknowledge that one. Because you are right, it doesn't help with today.
i'm sorry, but "today can suck it"?????
cracking up.
i hate this. i'm so glad you wrote it though. wishing you nothing but snuggles, early morning peaceful feedings and cupcakes tomorrow.
Hugs to you...
Steph
Boy does this sound so familiar to me!
Hang in there.....I wish I could say something more helpful!
I really appreciate this post. Because it makes me reflect on what I am doing and appreciating it more. I don't know if I said that right, but I hope you get it.
Thanks for your honesty. I hope the sunshine is bright for you tomorrow!
Today pretty much sucked for me too.
I hope tomorrow is better for you.
Oh honey, my heart aches for you. I wish I could give you huge hugs. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. So sorry... :(
Can I third the "Today can suck it sentiment"? Cause I'm thinking that's just what you need to hear.
((HUGS))
I know....
Erin,
You have no idea who I am, but I have been reading your blog since before my little man came in the world last Oct. Last night I put him down for bed and just broke down, because I hated that his sitter (seemingly a lot like yours) gets to spend almost everyday with him to capture his smiles, smells, and sneezes. I am so glad she loves him and takes good care of him, but I just wish it is was me. I totally understand where you are coming from. I can't wait for the weekends, just so I can have those magic moments with him. You aren't alone, and I am happy that I am not either. We Can Do It!
((Hugs))
also I hope the parents of those 100 kids realize how lucky they are to have you spending time with their kiddos....I would be (and am to my girls' teachers)
xo
ugh. i hate this so much for you. my heart literally hurts. it's just not fair at all, damnit.
I know. I know. I want to cry for you. It is the most difficult and awful thing in the world. I AM crying for you... xo
So hard! I'm so sorry! Whenever I start to complain about being a SAHM, I think of you, honestly. Praying for you!
And I know what you mean about the emotions and having those bad days, I have had two really good days in a row now, so I'm a little scared for tomorrow. :)
My heart hurts for you. I want you to stay home with them :(
What about daycare from home, could you make enough doing that, so at least you'll be home with the boys?? Let's brainstorm, you and me. I'd love to help you, honey :)
I could have written this. I don't know you IRL but this makes me want to come fold your laundry for you to you can enjoy every milisecond you can with your boys.
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