The other night thunder shook the house
and lightning slashed brilliant blue across the bed.
I slept in bits, my heart raced with each explosion of noise and rain.
And though he held me, my breathing was ragged and exhausted.
I may never sleep through these storms.
Light A Candle by Luci Tapahonso.
Most days, I don't even think of what happened to me. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, I am changed by it, yes, but I am not reduced by it.
But then every so often, on even the sunniest and happiest of days, there are nightmares. They've changed over the years. As my life has grown, so have they. They've gone from him hurting me, to him hurting my family. Those are the worst. I can handle him hurting me. I have handled it. But the nightmares of him hurting my babies? Those are the worst. Those leave me shaking and gasping for air and wondering if they will ever go away? Will I be 80 years old and stilll be shaken to the core by this fear? When I'm 80 years old, he'll be gone, but I wonder if I'll still be afraid?
It's always in the darkest hours of the night. I hate being alone when there's no light outside. Shane plays poker once a month, and I dread those nights. I have my boys with me, but when they're in bed and all is quiet, my mind and heart race. I'm afraid to fall asleep because I don't want to dream. I'm afraid to stay awake because I don't like to look at the dark. I don't hate what happened to me and I don't hate him, but I hate that I can't get rid of the fear.
Will I ever sleep through the storms?
23 comments:
speechless...
but I want to hug you and tell you that yes, you'll always get through the storms because you are loved by so many.
xoxo
Oh Erin, this makes my heart hurt for you. I hope someday you will be able to sleep without nightmares.
Oh, friend. Hugging you from afar. God loves you. He is with you now. He makes you lie down in green pastures. He leads you beside still waters. He restores your soul {Psalm 23}.
Sending so much love.
I can't even imagine. It has to be so hard to imagine it turning into another kind of pain on top of what it orignally was.
Wishing you continued strength when you feel that fear.
:(
If you ever have the chance to do the "Breaking Free" Bible study by Beth Moore do it!
I wish you could see how much you've grown since then through my eyes-- because you are so amazing and have come through so much. And because I've seen this, I know that this is just yet another phase of heeling, and that you will triumph.
Have cupcakes. Lots of them. And hug your kids with at 'two from me, one from Julie' type pattern. :-)
LOVE YOU!
Oh, friend... thinking of you and sending lots and lots of hugs. Like D said, you will get through because you are love by so, so many.
xoxoxo!
I'm glad that the night does give way to day and you don't always have to be in fear. Good luck and I'll pray for the memory and fears to subside.
This put tears in my eyes, and made me wish that I could actually offer you the one thing I can give in this situation, which is a big hug.
(And also, some chocolate.)
I don't know.
But I do know that you will continue to do this. To be an amazing woman who flourishes instead of shriveling away. To give him the finger. To be all those things you were always meant to be, and are now somehow sweeeter becuse it was nearly taken away.
I love you lady.
You have and will continue to get through them because you're strong and loved. I am sorry it's painful, though.
I send hugs and love and my heart is always open if you want to talk.
I wish someone could tell you if you will always feel this way.
Just stay strong, stay brave. Dont let him win!
i love you. and we can schedule all of our visits on poker nights from now until eternity if you want, so that at least it's one less you have to be alone.
Erin,
I did not know about any of this until now.
I'm so sad that all of this happened.
I'm hoping that with time, your nightmares will subside.
Oh sweetie, I'm here for you. You are so strong and brave and LOVED so much.
This is the part most of us don't see, the rest of us who move on from the headlines and go about the business of life. The aftermath of abuse, of brutality, is so far reaching and so long term. I don't know the answer to your question, but I sure hope it's yes. I pray, for you, it's yes.
I love you. And I will pray.
And on those poker nights, I would love to drive to your house and sit with you and even bring you cupcakes or beer.
Just say the word.
xo.
Oh Erin, I had no idea. Thank you for sharing your story. Here's to hoping things get better for you and I will be praying for you always.
Sending you hugs. You have come through so much already and are so strong.
My prayer for you is that the days between the hurt and fear are further and further apart, and that one day, you will have peace.
I've read this post at least 5 times, trying to think of something helpful to say. But truthfully I can't think of the words that would help... there probably aren't any.
I have not had to deal with what you are dealing with. However, about 2 1/2 years ago something happened to me that hurt me to the core. I was shattered and everything I believed in evaporated in a second. Your statement - Will I be 80 years old and stilll be shaken to the core by this fear? - really struck a chord with me because that's the part of my situation that I hate. I know that I will be 80 and thinking back to December 2007 will still make my eyes sting with tears.
I'm so sorry Erin. I hope as more time passes things get easier. Any chance you could plan a girl's night to correspond with Shane's poker nights?
I remember that feeling of being afraid to sleep, trying to stay up so long that you don't have to deal with the "falling to" sleep part. I hope you will always be able to sleep through them soon.
Steph
Nighttime, the dark, the sleep not coming ... is the worst.
But each storm you haven't slept through, you've braved like the most amazing warrior, making you stronger, bigger, braver ... more understanding of what happened and what still lies ahead.
One day, you'll sleep, you'll be rested.
I promise you.
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