A hundred and one years ago, I blogged a photo of my very pregnant self on a balance beam and talked about how my balance felt so precarious. In real, literal life, I suck at balance. The Wii Fit board mocks me because I have no center of balance. Shane mocks me because I often walk into walls and tables and things that have not moved once in the five years I've lived in this house, yet I still manage to bang my shins on them daily.
In real, figuratively speaking life, I also suck at balance. It took me months to find balance as a mom of two kids. And then I finally found it, and we'd happily get up and eat breakfast and clean the house and just be together. Except that I found that balance roughly two minutes before I had to go work, and so, life kicked me off the balance beam, and I found myself face down in the dirt. Possibly crying.
To say the first two weeks back have been disastrous would be an understatement. Luke has had a really difficult time with the adjustment, much more difficult than I ever would have imagined. He's thrown temper tantrums, he's had sleep issues, he's spent countless minutes begging me to not go back to work--breaking my heart in the process. But we're getting there. Each day gets a little better.
Sunday night, I had a cleaning related meltdown. All week, the house got messier and messier and I kept thinking, I'll clean on the weekend, wanting to spend as much time as possible with the boys. Too tired to even think of cleaning. It's so hard because 8th graders take so much of my energy, and then I come home to two more balls of energy, and how on earth am I supposed to fit in vacuuming!?
But then the weekend came, and I thought, But it's the weekend! I don't want to clean! And so, I found myself at 6pm on Sunday night in a complete fit because I needed to clean the house and fold three loads of laundry in the hour before bedtime. Unfortunately when I mention the thought of hiring someone to clean to Shane, he refuses to pay someone to do something we can do on our own. And yes, I've tried the time vs. money argument and gotten nowhere. Monday, I made myself a cleaning schedule, knowing that although my heart is not in it when I get home from work, that if I break up the cleaning throughout the week, it'll make the weekends a little easier.
I'm only on day two, but as I type this, I'm sitting in a clean house. There's a load of laundry in the dryer and another waiting to be folded and put away tomorrow. Something tells me that in a few days, I might wobble back off the balance beam, but for now, my heels are dug in and I'm holding on to that balance for as long as I can.