You Capture: Joy

A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy can live. Bertrand Russell

When I first learned that this week's You Capture theme would be joy, I was--well--overjoyed. I have so much joy in my life that I thought for sure I'd end up with too many pictures. Right? Yeah, wrong. I had trouble with this. The weather thwarted me by being colder and rainier than I thought it'd be this week. My house thwarted me by being messier than I wanted. Luke thwarted me by being grumpy and not photogenic.

I had to look hard to find my joy, but I found it. I found it by feeling the baby's foot stuck behind my belly button all day. In eating an entire small pineapple and yellow pepper pizza by myself. In skipping working out because I just didn't feel like it. In taking a bath, even though I know it doesn't help sciatica.
And finally, I found it in climbing into a bed with clean sheets, with a new candle and an old book, enjoying the joy found in the quiet moments before sleep.

29 Down...

11 to go!

Lest you think I'm throwing gang signs, that's my fabulous pose for 11. Oh, and lest you think my camera is the reason this photo is blurry, let me assure you that the blurriness is entirely a result of my inability to stand still.

Just for fun, here's another bump photo, in which I use my bump to assault Crooked Eyebrow. I love how Sarah looks all, Yeah, I'm going to pretend like I have no idea who these freaks are.

Although people keep telling me I'm tiny, I tend to think they're lying because I feel fairly giant. But I'm loving it. I've been seeing a chiropractor, and my sciatica is becoming so much more manageable. What's really great, though, is that at this time with Luke, I remember starting to get so scared about the end of pregnancy, about labor, about having a BABY. I don't have those fears this time. I know every labor is different, but I also know that I made it through 22 hours of labor without so much as an aspirin and loved every minute (well, almost). I know every baby is different, and I know that it will be different with a baby and a toddler, but I also know that I made it through Luke's infancy without dropping him (or ramming my hand through his soft spot which was my super big fear. I hate soft spots). Although soft spots still freak me out--and yes, I know that soft spots aren't really THAT soft--the rest of the fears are so much less this time, leaving me to just enjoy pregnancy. It's really rare that my brain ever shuts up and lets my enjoy something, so I'm grateful!

The Best Walk

Yesterday I walked six miles for March of Dimes. For James and Jake. For Beth. And even though I walked four of those six miles with an ice pack on my back and had to stop to pee TWICE and am now sporting a blister the size of Texas on my toe, I'd do it all again in heartbeat. Hell, I'd walk it in six-inch heels just to let Beth know how much I love and support her.

What I love about Beth is that even though the loss and longing is so evident when she talks about James and Jake, she's never made me feel like I need to hide my pregnancy. In fact, she's never made me feel like she's anything less than happy for me. When I first met her, I had an inkling of a thought that I might be pregnant, but I wasn't sure. The next time I saw her, two weeks later, I knew for sure, but it was too early for me to feel comfortable telling anyone. I was also cognizant of the fact that it'd been almost exactly a year since she first found out she was pregnant with James and Jake. So I didn't say anything. I made up a terribly lame excuse that involved migraine medicine and being unable to mix with medicine. Anyone who knows me knows that I'd only pass up alcohol for pregnancy (it's true, and if anyone wants to bring me a Summer Shandy to the hospital after this baby is born, I'll love you FOREVER), but since I'd only met Beth once before and had never met any of the other girls, I figured I was safe.
The next day, Beth emailed me, and I have to share this part of her email with you (mad props to gmail for saving EVERY email ever sent):

"I do want to go on record saying that I think you are pregnant, but I’m only sharing that with you, nobody else. :) Don't you like the way I slid that in there?"

And so in that way, Beth became one of the first people who knew I was pregnant with this baby. And also in that way, I learned who Beth was. She's taught me that joy and sorrow can be felt together, that in the depth of sadness, you can still find so much beauty in this world. She's taught me to love and treasure EVERY baby kick, even the ones that wake me at 3AM, even the ones that hurt. She's taught me to slow down, pay attention, and never take a moment for granted. I could tell you so much more about Beth, like how she makes me laugh and how yesterday she totally shamed me into getting a frozen hot chocolate (and it was gooooood), but instead, I'll just tell you what you already know: how lucky I am to know her.


Oh, and just because I really like to talk about food, I want you to know that I ended the walk with the best hot dog EVER, which I ate in 2 1/2 bites. I love hot dogs. Did you know that about me? I don't care that they're filled with nitrates and other disgusting things, I LOVE THEM and used to work at a hot dog cart where I would sometimes eat three hot dogs a day and never, ever get sick of them. No lie.

You Capture: Letters

My captures this week are not really artistic or unique, but when I think of letters, these are beautiful to me.
I keep this special box next to my bed, under the nightstand. I don't open it a lot because, well, it's sort of magical. I know that sounds silly, but if you use something that's magic too much, doesn't it lose the magic a little bit?

I open this box when I'm having the worst of days, when I'm doubting myself, when I need a reminder that I'm loved. In it are all the meaningful letters and cards I've received over the years--some recent, some ten years old.

Words are so powerful, and the letters and cards in this box all mean the world to me, so much that I don't know what I'd do if something happened to them.












I rarely ever make it to the bottom of the box, because after just a few of these letters, I remember that I am loved and not alone.

After looking through this, I realize that I need to write more of these letters because they're so simple yet meaningful, and I bet that they mean just as much to others as they do to me.

A Cause For Applause

Although I sometimes joke that I hope this baby will be more punctual than Luke, who has five days late and put me through 22 hours of labor, the truth is, I know and love that I'm lucky when it comes to pregnancy. I'm lucky because carrying babies to term is just what my body does. I don't know what makes me different than other women in this aspect, or what makes my babies different, but I am so thankful. But for those women and babies who aren't so lucky, I am thankful for organizations like March of Dimes.

While I've never dealt with infant prematurity, March of Dimes has touched my life, in a very different way. When my mother was 9, she had polio. The type of polio she had was Bulbar polio, known to be the most severe and deadly type of polio. She spent a year in the hospital, but her parents never had to pay a single cent of her hospital bill. Why? Someone from March of Dimes approached my grandfather and told him that it would all be taken care of... and it was. I can't imagine the fear my grandparents must have felt at that time, but I can imagine that knowing that at the very least, the monetary part was taken care of must have made it slightly easier.
This Sunday, I am doing the March for Babies walk with Beth, in honor of her sweet baby boys. I am so pleased to be walking with her, and I am also so pleased to have worked to raise money for this organization.

If you feel compelled to donate any amount, even a tiny bit, I would greatly appreciate it. You can always click that button in my sidebar.
Even better than just a straight up donation is the opportunity to make a donation AND get a little somethin' somethin'. How you ask? The fabulously talented Beth is selling her prints on Etsy and from now until April 30th, she'll be donating any proceeds to March of Dimes. Not only are her prints breathtaking, but you can consider it a donation! How great is that?

And! Another of my favorite girls is giving away one of Beth's prints. You can even gain yourself an extra entry by making a donation to March of Dimes.

Whether you've been touched by all that March of Dimes supports, I hope you'll consider making a donation or buying a print. Every little bit counts!

Seeing Double

This weekend, my bestie Leah (please go to her blog and say hi!) visited, and she mentioned that she thought I was smaller than with Luke. I've actually gained the exact same amount of weight so far, but I do feel smaller than I did with him. I'm not sure if it's that I'm carrying differently, or if it's because of the pregnancy workout DVD that kicks my butt HARD every night, or if it's all in my head, so I booted up my old desktop to snag a few photos of when I was 28 weeks pregnant with Luke.
For comparison, I even pulled out the same shirt I was wearing in these photos and tried to pose the same, but mostly I failed.

28 weeks with Luke


28 weeks pregnant with #2


I think the weight is definitely not going to my face as much this time (YAY), but past that, I am not sure. What do you think?
































And just to make this the most picture heavy post EVER, here is a photo of my mom when she 28 weeks pregnant with my older sisters!

Let me just go on the record as stating two things: I am so glad that there have been amazing advancements in the field of maternity clothes since the 70s, and I cannot believe my mom only gained seventeen pounds with TWINS (and she carried them to 38 weeks). Look at how tiny her arms were!

Be Still My Love

This morning, I awoke to a text that brought me briefly to my knees. The world gained another angel, as Josh lost his battle with cancer last night.

But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin


I don't understand why children die. I don't. I've never understood, but since becoming a mother, it breaks me even more because I think, "what if..." I put myself in the shoes of every child's mother, and I think My God, how do you go on? How?
But what I have to try, to hope, is that these children they understand. That they know that there's a greater plan out there for them, and they're okay with that. That this life on Earth, this short life here, wasn't their real life, that there is SO MUCH MORE in store for them.
I was never lucky enough to call Josh a student. The one time that I spoke with him, I joked that he needed to get better, so he could be on my team next year because I'd heard he was a troublemaker. He laughed and joked, and I held in my heart that he'd get better, and I could have those jokes every single day in class.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me


After his diagnosis, Josh didn't stop. He didn't see his brain tumors as a stop sign or even a yield sign, he just saw them as a part of himself that maybe made life a little harder, but still liveable. And so, this fall, Josh laced up his shoes and ran with the cross country team at our school. It didn't matter that he was having seizures, that it sometimes wasn't easy for him, he wanted to run. And he did. Despite all he had hanging over him, Josh crossed the finish line in FIRST PLACE during one race. Can you imagine the joy in his heart? In his mom's heart?

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in


Though I never had Josh as a student, he's become a teacher for me. He's reminded me that life is short. That excuses only hold us back. That no matter what, we all need to lace up our shoes and run, run like there is nothing holding us back. So in honor of Josh, I want only this for everyone... think of him when you don't want to do something. Think of him when it's easy to make excuses to not reach your goals and hopes and dreams. Be still for a moment, think of all you want to do and all you love about life. Think of him, then, put on your shoes, and run harder and faster than you ever thought possible.

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win


If nothing happens, make it happen. If you're only slaying the dragon in your dreams, make your dreams real. Hold your babies and love them today. Breathe in their sweet scents, feel the softness of their skin and hair. Tell your spouse or significant other what you love about them. Tell your friends you're thankful to have them, that you love them. Because life is short and fleeting, but it is also beautiful. Find the beauty today. Grab it, make it yours, then look up and tell Josh thank you. I know I will.

lyrics from "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" by Colin Hay

You Capture: Rustic

Thanks to the miserably cold, rainy weather on Monday, I didn't get a chance to take the rustic photos I'd been envisioning for this week's You Capture. I was at a loss as to what I could do, so I looked up rustic on m-w.com to see if I could glean any ideas from the definitions.
Unfortunately, nothing in my house is made of the rough limbs of trees, nor do I really own anything that is characteristic of country people. So I looked further and saw that plain and sturdy are synonyms of rustic, which at least gave me a start.

I love Willow Tree angels. Love them. I have the entire Willow Tree nativity set, and finally, FINALLY, I found a spot in my house where I can keep it up all year long. Because it's just too pretty to only have out once a year, you know?
My favorite part of the nativity set has to be the stars. They're very plain and simple. They're not shiny, they have a rusted finish, and the edges are a bit rough, but they're perfect. They're plain, simple, and sturdy, but they hold so much meaning.

Rounding Third

As I'm nearing the third trimester (OMG IKR!?), I'm finding that I want to dress up less and less. I remember looking forward to getting into maternity clothes at first, but right about now, I'm ready to spend every day in yoga pants, a tank top, and flip flops. Unfortunately I think that would get me super fired, so I'm trying my best to keep dressing like a professional adult. But by the time June rolls around? All bets are off!


Today I have my gestational diabetes test. With Luke, I passed with flying colors, so I'm not too concerned. What DOES concern me is the thought of having to go all day without any sugar, not even a 100 calorie fudge brownie (or two). But here's a secret... you know how every pregnant woman in the world hates the glucose drink? I love Glucola. I love it so much that I would buy it if they sold it in the store. I would buy it and mix it with vanilla ice cream, and it would be flat sugary orange drink LOVEfest every day at my house.

So Many Reasons

With all the mothers losing their precious babies lately, I've thought more than ever about how lucky I am to be a mom. Thursday night, I let Luke fall asleep in bed next to me just so I could hold him. It's fitting that Jaye tagged me for this wonderful meme that involves listing five reasons why I love being a mom.

1. I love that when the 4AM nightmares hit, I'm the one whose arms he curls into. I don't love waking up so much, but I love that I can calm him. I love that when the 4AM nightmare hit, and I tripped over something when we went to go get milk, he said, "Careful, mama, no booboos." I love that even though he was sad and scared, he still loves me enough to tell me to be careful. I'm thankful that he's growing into a compassionate little person.

2. I love that when I went to leave this morning, he said, "Where mama baby belly go?" then made me unbutton my coat and pull up my shirt so he could kiss my stomach and say, "Hi baby!"

3. I love being pregnant. Really, I do. I love feeling the baby kick and tumble. I love wondering if it's a girl or a boy, if he/she will look more like Shane or more like me. I love always knowing that the baby is safe because I feel the kicks and nudges that let me know that.

4. I love those moments that make you melt. The moments when Luke decides he needs a kiss so badly that he'll take my head in both his hands and won't let go until he gives me a big kiss. I love that yesterday our day consisted of little more than cuddling on the couch and watching Thomas DVDs, followed by cuddling in bed and napping for three hours, yet I can't imagine a better day.

5. I love that he's mine. From the moment I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, he was mine. Even when I knew that logically he was just a clump of cells, he was still my baby. And when he came into this world, I couldn't remember the days without him.

I'm not going to tag anyone, just do this if you feel compelled. Or if you don't feel like doing the meme yourself, let me know what you love about being a mom. Because every single one of us is so, so lucky.



Oh, and for anyone planning to visit me at the hospital after this baby is born, please do not bring me skin firming cream like the bottle in the background there. Because giving a new mom such a gift might seem nice and practical, but really, it will make her want to throw it at your head. Hard.

You Capture: Fun

I have to admit that I've spent a few days cursing Beth for picking fun for this week's You Capture. If I had to come up with adjectives to describe this week, fun would NOT be on the list. The letters F and U have certainly been involved in this week in oh so many ways, but not with the letter N attached.

This week has been long and heartbreaking. It's been difficult because none of it is suitable for blog fodder, yet I so badly need to vent. It has tried on every ounce of my sanity, yet fun time with this little guy always allows me to step back, count my blessings, and remember what matters.
Also fun was setting the timer for this picture and dashing back onto the couch to get into the shot. I got my exercise!

Flower Child

I've been having a really rough time at work lately, so Shane and Luke surprised me at work Tuesday with these beautiful yellow tulips. Shane apologized because they were just from the grocery store, but honestly? They are the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.

26 weeks. I can't wait to add one more little bloom to my life.

Clothes Encounters

Do you want to know what the best moment of my day is? Well, second best because the obvious best has to be seeing Luke. But the not so obvious best is when I get home from work, take off my bra, and breathe a giant sigh of relief.

What? Is that thought a little too much for you? Go take a cold shower, and I'll still be right here when you get back.

No, really, that is the BEST part of my day, followed by the next best part of my day when I take off all of my work clothes (I know, you need another cold shower) and put on my pajamas. I do this within five minutes of walking in the door at night. If you stop by my house unannounced at 4pm (and please don't, surprise visitors always show up when my house is messy), I will totally be in my pajamas. This is interesting because although I love to wear pajamas at non-bedtime, I absolutely cannot sleep in pajamas. I'd tell you how I like to sleep, but then you'd have to take another cold shower.

I also hate to wear socks. I feel like they're little foot prisons. As such, I wear open-toed shoes way before it's appropriate, and if I was sleeping in the middle of the arctic tundra, I still wouldn't wear socks. My feet seem to run at about 200 degrees hotter than the rest of my body, so not only do socks feel like foot prisons, they're like foot prisons located inside a sauna.

As long as I'm sharing all of this with you, can I tell you that I think tank tops with built in bras are the best invention ever? Unfortunately now that I no longer sport a pair of perky 34Bs, I don't get to rock them braless. But back in the day, I lived in those suckers, so I still have very fond feelings for them.

And finally, I'll leave you with this: skinny jeans are the devil, I would wear maternity pants ALL THE TIME if I could get away with it, and I hate pantyhose so much that I'd much rather flash my pale, stretch mark covered legs at the world than try to squeeze into a pair of those.

Do you still love me, despite all of my clothes issues? Because even if you love wearing bras, socks, pantyhose, and skinny jeans ALL AT ONCE, I would still love you. I might question your fashion sense, but I would still love you.

You Capture: Spring

The theme of this week's You Capture is SPRING. Emphasis all mine because I love spring. Spring is my favorite season because it makes me so hopeful. Winter is ending, and everything is blooming, fresh, green, and colorful. It makes me think of new beginnings.

Despite my love for spring, this wasn't as easy as I thought. We had SNOW on Sunday, and I had to break my winter coat back out on Saturday night. Still, when I pulled in the driveway yesterday, I saw these hopeful yellow flowers pushing up against the house, and I remembered why I love this season so much.

I love how despite the lack of sun lately, the wind, and the cold, this little flower is trying so hard to grow and reach the light and warmth. Aren't we all?

25 Down

And 15 to go, which is so hard to believe. And also a little scary.

I'd like to title this one: "Soon I will need a bigger mirror."



And this one didn't turn out like I wanted, but I still had to share for the story. On Monday, two of my wonderful friends randomly dropped by with FUDGE because they knew I'd had a long day work. I settled down on the couch, using my stomach as a table for the awesome chocolate walnut fudge egg I was about to devour, when the baby started kicking RIGHT where the egg was, causing it to jump all over the place. Apparently the baby wanted fudge, proving that this is SO my kid.