I love Charles Dickens, so it's fitting that my life lately has been a series of "the best of times and the worst of times." There are days when I absolutely love what I have right now, days when my heart tears at the thought of leaving this all behind in a few months for a job that I could never love as much as I love my two boys.
And then there are days when I kind of (but not really) wish I was back at work. Days when at every misbehavior from Luke, I convince myself that it's my fault. That he gets the worst of me. That I must be the worst parent in the world because some days I am short on patience, energy, and time. Some days I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, none of them right. I never chalk Luke's behavior up to his being a two year old, instead I chalk it up to my being a bad parent and thinking every other two year old in the world is better behaved than he is.
Yesterday we had a day that seemed so right in my head. Hiking and running around at a nearby arboretum. But in my head isn't always the same as reality, and in reality, Luke didn't listen to a single word I said. He pushed and tested, and I counted to ten so many times that I'm sure I must've reached a million. We came home, and he tried to run away across the yard. Then naptime wasn't working because the neighbor kids apparently needed to stand under his bedroom window and scream, so I took him into our bed and tried to cuddle him to sleep. Instead, he grabbed my face and pinched it so hard that I burst into tears at the pain and frustration of it.
Immediately he dropped his hands and said, "I'm sorry, mama, it's okay, mama," and wrapped his arms around me, bringing my head to his shoulder. He kissed my forehead and said, "I pat you," and he patted my back and stroked my hair JUST like I've done for him a million times before. We fell asleep curled into each other, my tears drying on his sweater, his hands curled in my hair. And in the last few minutes before sleep took us, I realized that even though he may sometimes get the worst of me, he still gets the best of me, and maybe he can't fight the two year old lack of impulse all the time, but he can still be my sweet boy just when I need him to be.
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20 comments:
Yep Erin, it's called motherhood. I so get you on this one- we can have the best of days only to be followed by the worst of days. It is so difficult to spearate ourselves from their two yr old (or three or four and on and on) behavior. In my head, I know I am a good mommy and that my kids know I love them, BUT sometimes, on those bad days, my frustuation and tiredness can get the best of me. At least we aren't in this alone!
Sweet post! I'm glad that you're documenting the full experience of motherhood. Sending hugs! :)
Erin hon it can be such a rollercoaster. I'll tell you a secret. At 3mths old my baby needed to start going to daycare with his 2yr old brother since I had to return to work. I felt so guilty at the relief I felt daily when I dropped them off. It's not easy having two that little, and trying to do it all. But I promise you it will get better. Accept any well meaning help you can get. And dont forget to sneak in moments for you. You aren't alone, and you're doing a great job.
I'll be keeping you in our prayers.
Awwww! I can just imagine you guys falling asleep for nap time like that. So sweet.
I understand all to well the frustration. And sometimes I feel like Aubry and I just have a terrible relationship because we are at odds a lot of the time. But like you said...we do have a lot of great moments together, too.
Yesterday I had the great idea to go to Botanica and both girls were not listening and trying my patience. But I realized that I'd rather be at Botanica then stuck in the house with two naughty kids. ;) So getting out of the house can be good even if it's bad. :)
Have a good weekend mama!
*wiping tears* So true, for any age. This was so well written, I feel like I could have written it myself.
Oh Erin - well said. I wish I had some words of wisdom, and who am I to say? But I really believe that you are a wonderful mother. The proof is in the fact that you ask the tough questions of yourself and that you don't always feel like you are doing the right thing.
I know that you know how blessed you are, I hope your boys know how blessed they are too. :)
What a sweet thing to do, that right there should tell you that you are doing it right.
Yes. I so hear you and know of what you speak. Sunday we had a HORRIBLE Day. And yet, when i put JJ to bed, and he kissed me and hugged me and told me he loved me, my heart almost burst.
Each day is new day, even when it seems like they are all the same. Being 2 is hard, being the mother of 2 is even harder. Being patient is something that I never mastered, I can't imagine doing it with a baby too.
Just remember that these times don't last forever, that Luke will change a little more each day. One day you will wake up and wonder where this little man came from, and where your little boy went.
hugs!
That last one was me, logged in wrong.
If it's any consolation at all (maybe it's not, right about now), my 2-year old grandson Benjamin told me today, "Gramma, you're a BAD BAD girl"... because I wouldn't let him open a can of olives with the electric can opener. I said to him, "Yep. I'm bad all right"...
Kids, especially 2-year-olds, LOVE to testtesttesttesttesttest and tes some more!
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Wow have I had those moments many a time . . . and Jonathan has done the same after bringing me to tears with his behavior. We have sweet boys and are stumbling through this motherhood thing together.
Awww. How sweet and sad at the same time. You must stop second guessing yourself. You're a wonderful person and a wonderful mom and really I think it's okay to get angry sometimes.
I think things were easier back in the day. Biology took over and we didn't analyze. A child was naughty, mom got angry, and the child got consequences. I didn't beat the kids and I remember trying to figure out if it was "terrible twos" or "terrible threes" that we all dreaded but I don't remember trying to figure out if my reactions were right or wrong.
Now I watch my kids deal with their children with much more patience and understanding and I used to think, "Oh boy, this kid's gonna turn out terrible". Wrong.
The point is that we love our children and even when we're angry, they know we love them. And most importantly, we're the parents and there's a reason for our reactions, and ultimately the kids know that.
In this moment when my 2 year old refuses to put clothes on or let me change his very wet diaper, or even let me just BE -- yes. I hear you.
What a perfect nap time that was :)
So many days like this in my memories. The good and the bad all mixed together. Kids are tough, you are fabulous.
What a sweet, sweet post. He's so lucky to have you as his mama.
I just found your blog...I'm a schoolteacher by day and a super hero (mommy) by night too!
I totally know how you feel! I taught school for 4 years before staying at home with our kids. There have been so many times that I've questioned what we're doing. That I've wondered if I'd go crazy! That I just *pray* our kids turn out alright. We've all been there, and that's what makes your post so fantastic...and so sweet. Wrote something similar on my own: http://heartscape.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/four-more-days/
Thanks for another reminder to cherish those small moments of grace.
I hear you. Parenting can be the most heartwarming experience, yet can be the most frustrating.
I think you are doing a great job. ;p
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